How to use snarky sarcasm to destroy haters: An article by Justin Trudeau

Hello friends. As you know, it can be difficult to stay #positive and #hopeful in the face of demonizing negativity from the Right. As leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, I know that we can be better than that. We are better than everyone who supports Stephen Harper.

The easiest way to spread our message is over Twitter, since long sentences are hard for people to read. Since I’m so experienced in the political game, I feel the need to set the example, and show my supporters the most effective and essential methods for shutting out negativity on Twitter:

1. Use straight sarcasm to win the fight

Justin Trudeau uses sarcasm to win the fight

Some guy with a large head butted into my vicious argument with some businessman who’d insulted me. He suggested I was “trolling” him. Rather than ignore this person, or continue with the primary argument, I decided, instead, to pretend that he was trying to give me advice on trolling. LOL! I added “means a lot to me,” which is funny because it actually doesn’t mean a lot to me, and he wasn’t actually giving me advice. I bet he was SO MAD about it! #hardworkandchange #Trud-owned

2. Twist insults into compliments

Justin Trudeau twists insults into compliments

I was winning an epic fight against some kid named @ReverendBlair, when some nobody named Chris Cain suggested that the Supreme Court majority was the “only topic that [I’m] well versed in.” In these instances, you simply need to take out the word “only” and then make them look SO stupid by showing that they admitted something positive about you. So I totally flipped that shit on him. HEH!. He called me out on it in the next post, but that doesn’t matter, still pwned. Still so mad about it, I’m sure. #Trudeau2015 #Leadership

3. Hashtag your insults

Justin Trudeau knows all the memes

Some, dumb kid running an unsuccessful radio station with an operating budget smaller than one of my speaking engagement payouts actually suggested that my having flaunted smoking weed would get me in trouble at the border. I fucking owned him by pointing out that I’ve already been to the US, and then I used the hashtag #meatfail on this silly goof. It was very clever because I took the word “meat” from his OWN post and then added fail because he failed SO HARD. LOL! I was hoping that more people would get this hashtag trending so that this noob and his radio station would be nationally embarrassed for trying to attack me, but my media people tell me it never really took off. #meatfail #leadershipwin

4. Combine strategies against particularly important and famous haters:

Justin Trudeau hits 'em with a combo

Here, journalist David Akin had the balls to imply that I’m not better than Harper on open nominations. I used a double whammy of sarcasm and hashtag insults here. First, I said “cause that’s exactly what Harper did in Brandon,” because in my opinion, it’s actually NOT what Stephen Harper did in Brandon. Then, following the format in #3, I took what he was talking about, and then added “fail” to make a VERY clever and very winning hashtag. Dude was SO mad about this afterwards, he was all super mad. Would be even more angry if he saw the specs on my sweet ride. Totally won that one. Heh. #readytolead #priorities

5. Use advanced sarcasm to put words in people’s mouths and bait them into getting mad

Justin Trudeau hates Canadians that don't support his campaign

So this Bruce McComber kid is getting all mad at me because he thinks I’m not doing enough for Aboriginal rights or something (I dunno what he’s talking about LOL!). So instead of ignoring him, or trying to ask specifically what he thinks I’m doing wrong, I used a more advanced form of sarcasm. First I said it was a “pleasure to meet [him] too,” after he said he almost puked after meeting me. LOL! I bet he got SO MAD because he was very clear that it wasn’t actually a pleasure to meet me. Then I said I’m sorry I called him David, which I totally was not sorry about. Then, I used my positive monologic to point out that it’s good to challenge people (so that my followers see that I’m still #positive 100% all the way), and then pointed out that he should base it on FACTS! You know, like the kind Harper is destroying at book burnings… Now everybody knows how much smarter and important I am than this random loser. #grassroots

6. Use Twitter to threaten sanctions against world leaders involved in wars

Seriously what is Justin Trudeau thinking?

It’s not really any more complicated than the title suggests. No need to talk to the rest of the party, or figure out the situation, or announce things carefully through press releases or phone calls. Also, no need to actually be in a position of power in your country. Just get on Twitter, tell other world leaders what to do, and attach vague threats to it. Why do these leaders keep bothering with “diplomacy” (whatever that is) when you have your iPhone in front of you? #trust #diplomacy

I look forward to representing all of you as the next Prime Minister of this great country. Hope and change and hard work and positivity for Canada’s youth and all grassroots Canadians!

EDITOR’S NOTE: These are all real tweets. Seriously.