Canadian niche mag dirties hands working with common people in an effort to document uninformed opinions about something inconsequential

EAST VANCOUVER—Developing a logo is a long and strenuous endeavour. It’s costly, too, potentially taking millions of dollars only to produce a twenty-seven page report on an icon having magnetic fields and gravitational pull. While a magazine for the hoi polloi, such as MetaCanada, has nowhere near this kind of budget or interest in pleasing subscribers, the design process was certainly just as involved.

After hundreds of internal emails discussing the nuances of the title-graphic now present at the top of this page, MetaCanada’s executive director Frank Somerset III finally offered his stamp of approval: “Just slap a goddamn maple leaf on her and call it good!” He summarily slammed his door, cropping leering eyes out of his gorgeous mahogany office peopled with politicians and special interest groups.

While Frank busied himself with sword-sharpening, ethical compromise, and mulling over what to do with his disappointment-of-a-son, the rest of the team hit the streets, tasked with documenting reactions of irrelevant and oblivious passers-by to MC’s prospective logo. Notwithstanding two muggings and an instance of frostbite, the team was moderately successful.

The team first engaged an overqualified “expert” to discuss the MC brand. Fine-Arts major Lisa Dickinson, whom we caught walking out of Starbucks with her Frappuccino® beverage, had this to say about the logo:

The curve on the letter ‘C’ provides a great counterweight to the angular shapes; it represents the working man’s release from the rigid routine of ‘the system.’ As we move from left to right, we are met with a more organic form that eventually opens up to transparency, demonstrating a metamorphosis from a more restricted way of life to total freedom as well as the ability to move freely through, as well as control, one’s flow.

Dickinson went on to boast that this is the “first time in [her] life that she has been able to apply something she learned in Sociology 101 outside of the classroom.”

Rose Whitman, a senior citizen and choice candidate for Mulcair’s proposed Soylent Green initiative, stopped to let us know that the inclusion of her experienced opinion would be the highlight of her day. Of course, we indulged her. “Personally, I think it looks great,” Whitman prattled.

It’s simple, and like most other reputable Canadian publications, you know—like Sun News and that paper full of names the black gentlemen on the corner’s always selling—it contains our beloved maple leaf. That’s the only way we Canadians can really distinguish ourselves, is via a recycled image that unites us. The little leaf tells people, ‘Look, we are not American!’ and to be quite honest, most of us are ashamed to share a border with them. However, since you have included it in your logo, you should be able to rest easy at night knowing you conform to the general Canadian identity standards.

Several hours into the team’s pursuit of a cynical opinion to offset the bias it had yet to encounter, the freezing, wind-chapped reporters finally found one. Video game aficionado Steve Harrison remarked, “The aliasing looks like crap. It’s all out of alignment and the maple leaf needs to be bumped a few pixels,” as he used his middle finger to push up his large, clunky-framed glasses via the bridge. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need to continue dragging my feet to my office so I can get to my cubicle and slave over the numbers in my company’s balance sheet that are magnitudes larger than my pitiful salary. They literally pay more in taxes then I’ll make by the time I’m 50.”

Despite all this invented controversy, it’s clear that the logo is here to stay. If one day MetaCanada grows to be the size of PepsiCo®—or at least to the size where it’s silencing investigative reporters and sterilizing aboriginals—perhaps it too will spend millions on analyses and focus groups to pretend it is a gravitational force.