Adrian Dix and BC NDP staffers have set up a barricade in the centre of Vancouver, British Columbia

Adrian Dix, so miserable

VANCOUVER—Members of the New Democratic Party of British Columbia have reportedly set up a barricade downtown, issuing a list of demands for the BC Liberals. BC Premier Christy Clark has deemed this militant posturing “revolutionary…a fundamentally inane reaction to our alleged hand in provoking the teachers’ strike.”

Mayor Robertson said in a press conference, “This is the straw that broke, preventing this slushie from finding my lips.” He held out the straw, halving his bewildered eyes.

Using whatever they could get their hands on, Adrian Dix and his posse (comprised of young New Democrats and local socialist factions), constructed a barricade near Main and King Edward, preventing traffic down one of the city’s busiest thoroughfares. Dix reportedly claimed he wanted to “teach the province a lesson about meddling with teachers for political gain…”

Dix will be replaced as the head of the Official Opposition as early as September. Some political analysts have suggested he’s redefining himself ahead of the change-up. Stephen Nix from the Kelowna Tribune suggested, “Dix has his eyes on a federal position. Nothing says competency at the national level like a violent insurrection.”

Among the demands issued from the barricade is a call for Christy Clark to step down. Clark has yet to speak to this demand or any of the others, but has been resolute in her commitment to “harness the power of Grayskull to vanquish the enemies of the slightly intoxicated coastal Canadian peoples.” One of her staffers quipped about Dix having very little to bargain with, “like a man with a knife to his own throat.” MetaCanada’s BC-parliamentary insider believes Clark is waiting to see how the Vancouver police and the RCMP will resolve the situation.

Vancouver Chief Constable Jim Chu has already called on the Canadian Armed Forces for assistance. Martial law may come into effect at any time. “It’s not every day you get to call an airstrike on some pinko lumber. But if the opportunity arises, who am I to stand in the way of bloody, bloody fate?”

The RCMP have quarantined the area, and have set up checkpoints to ensure that no weapons of mass destruction can be delivered to the barricade.

Stay tuned for updates.

*Update: Special agent Javert has infiltrated the barricade.
**Update: Special agent Javert has been captured by Adrian’s cronies.
***Update: Special agent Javert released by unnamed revolutionary.

Disclaimer: this article contains a revisionist history.