Harper Government publicly condemned by British Historical Society for “libracide,” sabotage, and “subversive partisan tactics”


OTTAWA—The Harper Government has taken another hit on its environmental record, but this time from an unlikely source.

Today, the British Historical Society took a rare step into the political arena, issuing a damning statement against the Harper Government.  In the statement, BHS spokesperson Glen Douglass railed against the Tory’s alleged “libracide.” With the closure of multiple Fisheries and Oceans Canada libraries and dozens of other government libraries, hundreds of invaluable documents are feared lost.

“The loss,” Douglass wrote, “constitutes one of the greatest erasures of oceanographic information to date…and will have a lasting affect on our understanding of marine ecology and geography.”

The BHS was prompted to make a follow-up statement when it was reported that the original records from the H.M.S. Challenger were destroyed in an act deemed by many as “libracide.” The Challenger’s logs and study notes have long served as a starting point for the marine sciences and marine geography.  The destruction of these works, Douglass asserts, “will resonate throughout hundreds of fields for thousands of years.”

The most shocking aspect of this destruction by the Conservatives is that the documents themselves were bequeathed to the British Natural History Museum by Sir John Murray. They have up until now been secured in the museum’s archives.  It is suspected that the Conservative Government’s destruction of this research was contracted out to a third party who acted without proper knowledge of its historical significance.

The BHS went on record blaming award-winning actor Nicholas Cage for his alleged part in the sabotage. This radical accusation was initially laughed-out of court, but post-recess, in the BHS’ subsequent legal findings, was shown to be accurate.

Cage—best-known for his roles in National Treasure and The Sorcerers Apprentice—has firsthand experience infiltrating historical landmarks, museums, and other secure facilities. Hoping to be cast in the next series of the Conservative Government’s planned Economic Action Plan ads, he allegedly broke into the Natural History Museum, destroying countless priceless documents.

When questioned regarding his involvement, Cage referred reporters to the Prime Minister’s Office, which has yet to respond. While the motivation behind the destruction of these irreplaceable documents remains unclear, it is certain that scientists and historians will struggle with this loss for untold seconds.