No Rubric Needed or Offered for Criminal Pick and Choose


Conrad Black rewrites history

Losing the Order of Canada doesn’t have Conrad Black down.

Lord Conrad Black must feel as if the brilliant black marble in his study has turned into a malignant and tarry sea, ready to wash him out into exile, oblivion. Without the Order of Canada, he’s reduced to a schlep, a commoner.

In an effort to get to the bottom of his public shaming by the Order of Canada, MetaCanada attempted to contact the Advisory Council at Rideau Hall for comment. Unfortunately, they deferred us to their FAQ, underlining one power of the Council in particular: “[to terminate] a person’s appointment to the Order of Canada if the person has been convicted of a criminal offence.”

They expounded on this power in a later segment, claiming that if the recipient has “done something out of step with the generally recognized standards of public behaviour,” such as having performed botched, illegal surgeries in an alley, or written a mind-number like Surfacing, or having participated in a Sponsorship Scandal, or having used one’s cronies to take royal art out of the Council’s home-base, Rideau Hall, then they would be summarily stripped of their medal.

This prompts reconsideration of these provisions’ phrasing. Convicted of a criminal offence in Canada? What if convicted in a compromised state? How long does the medal-holder have between conviction and discharge? What are the standards of public behaviour? If it could be said to delineate or dictate some standard of public behaviour without recourse to law alone, is the Order of Canada, therefore, a litmus test for Canadian morality? Has the Council been telling us what’s right and wrong all along? WHAT IS IT DOING IN THE BEDROOMS OF THE NATION?

Notwithstanding a great deal of fervor among his critics and allies in the media, Conrad has taken this loss in stride. His housekeeper, Louinda Louise, told MC that Mr. Black, “took a bath in his finest mead, re-read the Napoleon of Notting Hill, and smoked several cigars rolled by nubile Cuban virgins…He would occasionally murmur something about the bigoted, myopic, and trenchantly anti-Catholic Ottawa-types who had his number, but seemed more or less content.”

While Lord Black may not be particularly fascinated, himself, with the terms of his discharge, Timothy Archer—writer and researcher on Spike’s Deadliest Warrior—has examined biographical details pertaining to Black and a past winner. He considered: what Conrad could have done better, and how he could have maneuvered to keep this audacious medal that so few people really care about anyway.

Archer briefly detailed the achievements of both Conrad and the past winner. We’ll hereon refer to the past winner as the Anonymous Humanitarian.

Conrad Black: newspaper publisher, a historian, an author, a teacher, a columnist, and a convicted fraudster (by a foreign power). Professionally, best known for having started Hollinger International, a company that had employed—at any given time—six thousand people, until his persecution by the United States.

Anonymous Humanitarian (AH): doctor, eugenicist, and a domestically convicted criminal (now on anachronistic charges of medical malpractice, conducting illegal abortions, murder, and reckless endangerment). Professionally best-known for having created an industry, which has eliminated over three million fetuses.

Archer focused on one biographical element, common to both winners: their criminal convictions.

While Conrad had been convicted in a country with a ninety-three percent conviction rate over dubious claims that illuminated, less his criminality, and more his hubris and ego—claims that could not have found a conviction in Canada—the AH was convicted in a country with an average conviction rate of 61% on multiple occasions, going all the way to the Supreme Court. AH’s conviction came from the same country that similarly awarded him/her the Order of Canada, whereas Conrad was convicted by a foreign nation, reputed for its fractured legal system. AH was later acquitted after some clever politicking on his behalf and for the “well-being of those he thought he was helping.” Conrad, conversely, was not acquitted, but rather released for good behaviour.

Archer concluded his presentation by turning on Deadliest Warrior’s infamous three-dimensional battle visualization, this time starring Conrad Black fighting the AH in a worn and dilapidated rendering of the Supreme Court. After a failed saline solution to Black’s cranium, the AH was knocked down with a flurry to the solar-plexus. Before the cackling Black, the AH balled into a fetal position and murmured, “It’s all a dream. None of this—you or I—is real.”

Perhaps the Advisory Council over at Rideau Hall should tighten the wording and specify precisely what kind of criminal stands to belong in their Order. Without any real rubric, this award will continue to be an Ottawan/Quebecer popularity contest, riding on the ebb and flow of political pertinence and sensationalist necessity, requiring haphazard and subjective decisions on the tax-payer’s dime.