Canadian Scientists given amnesty in exchange for information about shockingly inhumane government project

Science!

Science!

Disclaimer.

OTTAWA—A fringe group of Canadian academics and corporate scientists surrendered themselves to the RCMP on Saturday, confessing to their complicity in a horrific, Canadian legacy project.

Among the esteemed group of scientists were eugenicist Alduous Berkely, climatologist Bernadette Okowsky, and sociologist Kevin Byne. Their shared objective on the project, code-named “Yukon Law,” was to alter Canadian ecosystems and weather patterns in order to make them more inhospitable to human life. Experts have determined that the scientists employed modified ion cannons and o-zone depletion reactions (ODRs) to accomplish this task, changing the very fabric of Canadian nature.

Why, beyond providing subject matter for dull conversations and Instagram posts, would our government induce unforgiving weather patterns? Why would the government literally strive to make our lives harder, both physically and mentally?

Investigative-reporter Eljah Cooper tracked down Dr. Byne and  was afforded the time to ask some questions.

Cooper: Why make life harder for yourselves?

Byne: The Immigration Department came in with a couple government guys. A few, I think, were from Chretien’s old crew. Definitely a lot of seated Conservatives. Pretty sure I saw Preston Manning lighting a cigar off of a flaming bowl of Alberta oil. And Harper. How could I forget? His laugh—his cold hands. Then…there was Suzuki. Wearing a blue satin vest. I saw him shaking hands with Baird.

Cooper: What did they want?

Byne: They promised us funding. So much more than NSERC would ever throw at us. We’re talking CBC-kind of money…

Cooper: In return for?

Byne: Designing a better Canadian. Using the latest in theoretical science and pseudo-science—you know, sociology—to separate the strong from the weak.  Essentially, I was helping them target and scare out any so-called Canadians who couldn’t cut life north of the 49th.

Cooper: What work did they have you doing?

Byne: My job was to research and detail precisely what elements or experiences toughen people up. Find out what thickens skin and makes someone mentally strong. The targeted features weren’t cultural or ethnic. Not even genetic. They may have called it Operation Yukon Law, but it’s really just the wimp test. Can’t cut it? Go to Europe, baby. Can’t shovel your driveway? Europe. Can’t fight on skates? Europe. Can’t finish your beer? Europe. Or to a hospital, I suppose.

Cooper: What’s the current government using it for in particular?

Byne: We used it to flood Calgary. Over the years, we decided to be generous on the west coast, because the inhabitants were statistically not up to task…Just after I defected, they used the ORION to hammer southern Ontario with brutal snow storms. They’re testing our weaknesses.  But they’re also targeting the strong…Oh dear god, I’ve said to much.

Cooper: Besides creating a super-class of Canadians, what’s their political objective?

Byne: I could get in a lot of trouble for saying any more…

Cooper: This is off the record, Dr. Kevin Byne. No one will ever know that this conversation even took place.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jpena35/

Dr. Kevin Byne, “the guy who blabbed”

Byne: Fine…I think Stephen Harper is lulling Canadians into a sense of dependency using Odinic powers beyond our comprehension.

Cooper: So, he is literally a demiurge of some kind…or perhaps even a warlock?

Byne: Yes, absolutely. What’s more, he’ll use Canada’s sense of dependency to develop a reptilian love for his patriarchy. In the end, Canada will be nothing but a fiefdom—and us? That depends. Are you a strong man, Mr. Cooper?

Cooper: You don’t ask the questions, Doctor. Anyway, thank you for your time.

Byne: What? You’re not a police officer? You cannot repeat what you’ve just heard, Mr. Cooper! Please! Could you at least tell my family where I am?*

*Byne’s family was not informed.

It’s fair to conclude from Cooper’s well-circulated findings that Canadians now have cause to be extremely paranoid and hyper-critical of everything they hear and read. Trust no one. Especially your loved ones. So long as the government is out, literally conditioning you, your only recourse is quiet isolation.

If you or anyone you love shows any sign of being a wimp, they should avoid identification and immediately find asylum. There is a war for our minds and votes, and people are out to get you. Nowhere is safe.

*Cooper would like to reassure his readers that he is held-up somewhere extremely safe— much safer than where you’ve elected to tempt fate—but has nothing to fear because he is, indeed, tough. Not at all wimpy.

UPDATE: Dr. Kevin Byne has been reported missing. If you have seen or heard anything about his whereabouts, don’t contact anybody because the government is watching and listening to everything you say.