Rob Ford projected to win next mayoral election due to overwhelming “ironic” vote from smug Toronto hipsters
TORONTO—Several sub-classes of Toronto hipster have announced their enthusiastic support for Rob Ford’s re-election after pausing to revel in this past year’s most scandalous headlines. As one of MetaCanada’s most hard-hitting investigative journalists, I took to the streets of downtown Toronto to interview some of the awful, awful people littered about the place.
I encountered a surprising number of “ironic” hipsters, several of whom were wearing rain boots with no socks despite the inclement weather at the time. The tattoos on their arms appeared to be sad, Ozymandian symbols speaking to poor taste and decision-making skills. Nevertheless, I was able to secure several interviews by offering to buy the lot of them their favorite Starbucks coffee. (The majority ordered tea, ‘ironically’, which they subsequently failed to drink.)
A young man who called himself “Ernest McSledder” revealed to me his reason for first supporting Ford:
“Everybody on my Facebook was like so against him and posting so much, that I felt the need to post the status, ‘hey, why don’t we give the big guy a chance?’ After that, I realized how, despite Robbie’s shameful behaviour, I was actually getting lots of attention by supporting him.”
Another strange, young man who wanted me to use his gaming handle, “Killskull_1998,” told me that his vocal support of Ford began in response to the coverage of the scandals on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
“All of the sudden [sic], the bros in my guild knew something about Canada. And I mean, who hasn’t done some hard drugs during the week? I mean, I don’t even care about that…Karma!”
The support among pretentious vegans hovered at approximately 50%. It was hard to say for certain because getting an actual straight answer was next to impossible. One strange girl dressed in what appeared to be a re-purposed potato bag, inflecting nearly every sentence as a question, told me:
“Well, like, the last mayor? He like, let the garbage go on the streets and all that? That was like just a microcosm of what mother nature goes through all the time with landfills and natural animals that used to live on them. Animals!”
Based on my extensive long-term research, I feel confident projecting Rob Ford as the winner of the next election. Granted the ever-growing hipster population and their peripheral influence, it seems like a sure thing.