Montreal's Going AWOLCoderre envisages Montreal as a paradise not unlike the city-states of Europe


MONTREAL—For the upcoming elections, the Parti Québécois (PQ) is well-positioned to pick up the seats it needs for a majority government. This will provide them with the kind of clout necessary to effect radical change.

After having riled-up and hypnotized the population with the controversial Charter of Values, the PQ is aiming to tackle an even greater-sensationalized issue: subordination to, and participation in, a constitutional monarchy. Premier Pauline Marois believes that the Quebecois are ready and mature enough for such change. Newly-elected Montreal mayor Denis Coderre, on the other hand, opposes the notion, calling it “ridiculous.”

Well-seated at La Belle Province (a restaurant chain well known for its fried, greasy delicacies), Coderre, an ex-liberal MP, expressed his thoughts on the PQ’s recent politicking: “Montreal is too great of a city to follow Quebec in this outrageous scheme. We will not tread into the dark!”

Coderre soon after tweeted: “Montrealers will do everything in their power to fight against this oppressive regime. We are ready to take up arms and succeed where our ancestors failed. We will accomplish that which the Patriots of the 1830’s and the FLQ of the 1970’s had only dreamt! We are Montreal!”

Well aware of the lag present in La Belle Province, Montrealers waited patiently for a counter-response from their provincial leader on Twitter. The government’s poor technological grasp has been documented: it has not upgraded its computers’ operating systems since 1995, circa Duke Nukem 3D. To many public workers, reading a Twitter feed is like watching William Shatner deal with extraterrestrial cyborgs in a galaxy far, far away. We’re talking serious future shock here, people. Fortunately, Marois counts herself among the local elite, and offered her response to Coderre via rotary phone.

Beyond the fact that it took place, nobody is really sure of what went on during their conversation. Did they rehash the old-standing rivalry between the Nordiques and the Canadiens? Did they debate whether the motivation behind filming Bon Cop, Bad Cop was made to make Anglos feel welcome at a French screening? We may never know. Like Justin Trudeau’s dad once said, “There’s no place for us in the nation’s bedrooms.”

Two hours after the much-discussed phone call, Coderre, who fought for the “no” side in the 1995 referendum, went live on Ici Radio-Canada and declared that Montreal will not only refuse to separate, but will also create its own country if Quebec were to schism from the confederation. According to the mayor, a city-state, not unlike the Vatican, would be the only possible way to achieve Pierre Trudeau’s utopic view of multiculturalism.

Coderre, the pontifical hopeful, has skewed the revolutionary lines and drawn a new one in the snow.

Coderre euphorized:

We could have all of the nationalities altogether, with each at equal standing. We would have the French on one side, the English on the other. Perhaps towers, checkpoints, and barb-wired partitions. Yes! And… the rest to go somewhere in the middle. Finally, a true bilingual country! Montrealers…imagine: we could use all our time and energy on the arts. We can build our new parliament on the Plateau Mont-Royal. Think about it. We could harvest our own organic plants in our recycled-tire homes, and abolish the use of cars in favour of keeping Bixi bicycles afloat.

As he grabbed the fleshy mass overlapping his belt with his hands and proceeded to flop it around, Coderre finished, “It’d sure help me shed a few off this gut of mine.”

According to Quebec political specialist Paul-Karl Desmarais from the Université du Québec à Rimouski, Montreal would be better-off without Quebec because the city-state would not have to foot the bill offsetting rural poverty. He added that, “Quebec City should follow suit and leave the countryside to its own fate.” There is, however, opposition to this standpoint.

Joseph Saputo from the Farmers Union is against any kind of separation. Sobbing, he admitted to MetaCanada that he will have a cow and pig surplus, and worse: he will have trouble selling his cheese curds and his Canadian bacon. He knows that he could sell more to the US, but he is conscious that their breakfast and poutine markets are already saturated, and sadly, not with the fat he peddles.

While the PMO has, to date, been silent on the issue, the Quebecois are anticipating an answer from Minister of State and Al Bundy impersonator Maxim “Hustler” Bernier sometime in the near future.