“Rapacious ATM fees are literally impoverishing our constituents,” claims NDP leader Mulcair
The Official Opposition is expected to propose legislation that’d cap ATM fees at a maximum of 50¢ per transaction.
“It is unequivocally unfair that Canadians are required to pay upwards of $2 or $3 to get access to their own money from these machines,” said NDP leader Thomas Mulcair. “We feel that, while it’s not perfect, 50¢ per transaction is a much fairer access fee for Canadians to pay. If an old, white hegemon could fit the bill, all the better.”
An anonymous NDP staffer detailed the reasoning behind the bill to Metacanada. “For a lot of our voter base, two or three dollars is, like, half their weekly income, before government subsidies, etc. I mean, poetry doesn’t exactly pay four-figure incomes.” (Please consult Canadian poets’ financial success graph below.)
“Interpretive dance doesn’t have the kind of compensation systems that coffee shop managers have. We need to take a stand and pirouette into applause, and make sure that, when one of our unemployed post-colonial writers goes to take out their money to get sloppy at an imperial enterprise like the Velvet or the El Mo, they don’t have to spend half their money just to get it into their hands.”
DynaCashCorp President Alex Mandelson has a different take on the proposed legislation. “This is just needless nanny-state legislation designed to coddle people with poor money management skills.” Laughing, Mandelson continued: “Good thing the Arts Council is paying them with hard-earned tax dollars to whine about it…We shouldn’t be penalized if people can’t be bothered to be productive enough to be able to afford ATM fees. In fact, when this legislation is defeated—and we have it on good authority that it will be—we plan on raising the ATM fee in urban areas to $10. Good luck getting your drug money now, hippies.”
Metacanada‘s red-eyed, NDP insider had the last word on the matter before the debates began: “ATM fees are too damn high! That being said, I’ve started a barter system in my vegan co-op, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.”