City adoption will establish Canadian island in heart of Michigan


Detroit’s bankrupt. Ford Field has been converted into an urban farm just to supplement inner-city rations. Skyscrapers are being sold off without down payments. Neither Mayor Bing nor Obama has been able to offer any substantial relief.

This Monday, good news has found the poverty-stricken city from an unlikely source.

Following a bizarre phone call between Ontario premier Kathleen Wynne and Michigan senator Carl Levin, an emergency meeting was called on Parliament Hill. According to MetaCanada’s Ottawa insider, the House came to a consensus: Ottawa and Queen’s Park will adopt the city of Detroit.

The decision comes amid widespread concern from the U.S. government over continued funding of the troubled city, as well as Ottawa’s continued focus on the historical relevance of the War of 1812.

The $2Bn deal would lower the Windsor border across the Detroit River and encompass the historical city. The suburbs of Dearborn, Dearborn Heights, Redford, Southfield, Royal Oak, and Warren, will remain American territory under the agreement. Provisions to allow American naval and commercial vessels down the Detroit River will maintain NAFTA and NORTHCOM pacts, sating American national concerns. Ottawa will, however, dictate the municipal laws of the region and enforce them with RCMP and OPP agents. The agreement prevents Canada from imposing any federal statutes on the residents (e.g. Detroit residents still will have the right to bear arms), so an interesting middle-ground must be explored.

If the deal is signed, Detroit will change hands exactly one week after ratification.

“This deal is too important and time sensitive for us to waste time nit-picking,” Michigan governor Rick Snyder told the Detroit Free Press. “We have a very tight budget to implement for 2014, and, quite frankly, I’m sick of hearing [Detroit Emergency Manager] Kevyn Orr tell me that the city will continue to bleed money even if we evacuate everyone and burn the whole thing to the ground. Our negotiations with the Canadian government couldn’t have come at a better time.”

MetaCanada’s Ottawa insider suggested that the Canadian government will pay most of the costs associated with rebuilding and maintaining the region upfront. The Harper Government’s confidence stems from its detailed plan to recoup the investment by selling off the industrial sector of the city for scrap metal and turning the land into experimental low-cost export-oriented farmland.

“Have you taken a look around the inner city?” MetaCanada‘s insider asked this reporter. “After they burned down four-fifths of the neighbourhoods, the place looks like any random small town in Saskatchewan. I went on the official tour with [Canadian Agricultural Minister] Gerry Ritz and he said it looked just like his hometown of Delisle.”

The historical relevance of the property in question is not lost on either party. Governor Snyder, in an interview with The Globe, said that “It’s only fair! After all, Canada conquered the city in the Battle of Detroit, and while it was nice of them to give it back to us after the war, the State of Michigan and the United States of America feels that it is more historically accurate for the city to revert to the domains of the Queen of Canada. Such historical injustices cannot stand in a free and fair Republic.” 

“It was such an easy deal,” MetaCanada‘s inside source said. “In fact, it was the State of Michigan that initially approached us about it. The PMO considered it and made a lowball offer, thinking that it was a mistake of some kind. The state accepted it without even considering a counteroffer. After negotiating all of those big free trade deals, I suppose we’re just in a groove.”

Reaction from the citizens of Detroit has been mixed. When asked about the transaction and its implications, several Detroiters indicated that they are looking forward to being covered by OHIP.

One citizen expressed concern over possible cuisine changes, stating, “I don’t want to be forced to eat that, what-do-you-call-it, poutine. Come on, french fries, gravy, and cheese? Don’t you find that just a little too disgusting?”

Another citizen suggested they didn’t want a European country taking over their fair city. When shown a map, they emphasized the importance of freedom, chanting again and again, “Murica!”

The strongest negative reaction MetaCanada has encountered, however, has been from Windsor Mayor Eddie Francis, who was quoted as saying “Oh hell, what’s the point to our city now? I mean, seriously.”