Latest crypto-currency is Canadian and backed in dough
/Joetravers & Pocahontas_Spaceman:
VANCOUVER—Local tech entrepreneur Alain Goatsse has started a doughnut-based currency, capitalizing on the recent popularity of online currencies such as Bitcoins, dogecoins, and kanyecoins. He refers to it, tentatively, as “TimBitcoins.”
The idea started out as a marketing ploy (Goatsse had been a consultant for the Canadian coffee empire), but it’s since evolved into a functioning crypto-currency.
Last August, one TimBitcoin, or a TimBuck, was valued at roughly one physical Timbit, purchasable in-store for 15 cents. If the current cryptic-bull market continues on its insinuated course and there are no global dough shortages, analysts predict that by next August, two TimBitcoins or “TimBuckTwo” will be equivalent to approximately 50 cents.
The committee assigned to observe, regulate, and facilitate trade in this floury marketplace was finally voted-in yesterday. The IMF, or the International Muffin Fund—which has been criticized for being notoriously indifferent to nut-allergy sufferers—has yet to determine whether TimBitcoins will require franchise memorabilia or roll-up win cups to stay viable.
Prospective high r-r-r-r-r-r-rollers and investors can go to DSPSBLNCM.com to bid on the TimBitcoins. They’re reportedly great for online shopping, especially for those “indie art films” you watch alone when your significant other isn’t home. The internet may be anonymous, but you know who you are and that’s punishment enough.
Speculators are already salivating at the prospect of getting in on the ground floor of a new online currency.
“It’s incredible,” says Goetsse, creator of TimBitcoin and President in charge of the TimBitMenthe. “When I was unemployed and not doing drugs [sic], I spent a lot of time online, mining for Bitcoins and playing StarCraft II. Then one day, while I was waiting for my Double Double to cool—because it was TimBuckTwo hot—it hit me: TimBitCoins! Canada has yet to really make its mark in the online-currency racket. This is our opportunity as a nation to step up and make our presence known.”
At a closed and symbolic meeting between Stephen Harper, Goatsse, and the the heads of the Imperial Bank and TD, the Prime Minister purchased a bottle of Bollinger with two-hundred-and-ninety TimBucks. He summarily smashed the bottle over a box of TimBits that an aide had procured, christening the currency. Laughing, Harper remarked: “You can’t eat a toonie,” then, turning pale and taking on a serious tone, he concluded: “Trust me.”
“Yeah, that was a special moment for TimBitcoins and the company,” Goatsse told MetaCanada in confidence. “Nothing says success like a federally wine-drenched, inedible dough-balls.”
This new currency has already led to job creation. TimBitcoin miners have teams of young recruits performing rim jobs. (The cups are as close to a physical equivalent as the doughy balls themselves, promising muffins, donuts, coffees…cars.)
TimBitcoins have also caught some unwanted attention. There’s already an estimated $200 dollars of counterfeits out there. Red Robin has been accused of selling their doughnut holes north of the border. The RCMP has promised to intervene if this problem persists.
At his home in Surrey, Goatsse identified a national need to invest in TimBitcoins.
Basically, if you’re not using TimBucks for all of your online-shopping needs, I question your loyalty to the Great White North. I question your loyalty to Canada’s brand. I question your loyalty to the Queen herself! And if you’ve elected not to use TimBucks after hearing this, TimFuckYourself…