Last known “Vinyl Cafe” fan found dead in BC cabin


BRITISH COLUMBIA—The last-recorded, intentional listener of the CBC’s prolific variety-show, Vinyl Cafe, was reported dead this past Sunday. The cause of death, according to Smithers police constable Morgan Frieman, was a mix of decrepitude and “horrible, horrible hypothermia…the very worst.”

Two hikers found Dirk Hanson, a 114-year-old Saskatchewan man, frozen to death in his family’s cabin about twenty kilometers northeast of Smithers, BC. They were alerted to possible trouble within by a ghostly wailing penetrating the timber, which was later explained away as being the result of wind and some “natural tomfoolery.”

The hikers, Timothy Archer and Philip Fatt, inspected the cabin, finding Hanson frozen to his chair with a transistor radio sitting on his kitchen table, still sputtering out staticky murmurs and something about “Morley’s discontent.”

Hanson’s family, on their way to visit Dirk,  had stopped in Smithers to buy supplies for the centenarian. Anxiety over Dirk’s sudden gap in email forwards had spurred their trip, two weeks ahead of schedule.

Dirk’s beloved forwards were a much-celebrated feature for his children and grandchildren. Every Wednesday, upon opening their electronic mail accounts, Dirk’s family looked forward to riotous image-heavy messages about aging, child rearing, and costumed animals.

“Gosh, I sure am going to miss those damnable cats,” said Dirk’s eldest son, Dan (aged 72), tenting his fingers over his tear-streaked face.

In addition to the heart-warming tales of Dave and Morley on the Vinyl Cafe, Mr. Hanson enjoyed his Bix Beiderbecke recordings and Amphora pipe tobacco. Despite protestation from his children, his epitaph will read: “I’m Dirk Hanson, so long for now.”

The Hanson family will be holding services at the Smithers Community Center Sunday, Feb 18. Visitors are not welcome and all piteous comments will be resentfully deleted.