Marois Appeals to Middle-Eastern Precedent for Success of Two-State Solution

ST-ANGÈLE-DE-LAVAL—Citizens of a sovereign Quebec would have their own national identity and their own passports, said Parti Quebecois leader Pauline Marois on Wednesday, but there would be no Anglo-ghettos, border patrols, checkpoints, or partitions separating them from the rest of Canada. “It’ll be like the winning solution Israel and Palestine have settled on, just less rock-throwing, aerial assaults, and mayhem.”

Canadian-Quebec Checkpoint

Canadian-Quebec Checkpoint

I’m no historian, but I know for a fact that no one batted an eye when Israel became independent from Palestine [again] in 1948. We shouldn’t have a problem…Essentially, we’re going to go-on living our myopic, little lives, effacing any trace of English or historical insinuation that Montcalm got his ass handed to him, effectually losing Canada for the French forever. It’ll be business as usual…that is, of course, without the gravy train direct-in from Ottawa.

Marois continued in a raspy French. “My constituents are worried about the consequences of separation for their coddled, welfare state. All should rest assured! We’ll be selling Quebec Hydro to the northeastern United States and Canadian east coast for an absorbent amount of money, which should give us more than enough to go on insulating our dying cultural project.”


Prime Minister Harper railed against the notion, claiming that the partitioned Francophone state would jeopardize continental security and trade, fracture existing trans-border institutions, and forsake all the normal Canadians living under Marois’ tyrannical reign.

Whatever balance has been struck heretofore will be abandoned, leaving many Canadians right-less pilgrims in an iconoclastic, unholy land.

Foreign Affairs Minister Baird discussed the immediate consequences of Quebec separation at a Conservative luncheon in Quebec City. “Quebec Hydro powers American homes. At the time of the last referendum, American troops were prepared to seize the power stations. In a post-9/11 world, the American government will not chance the safety and security of its people to some unstable failed-state-to-be, or as Marois calls it: ‘Haiti North’. Then again, with all the shale gas going around, Quebec might end up being one customer short of a stable economy, left to rot and ruin.”

Proposed two-state solution

Proposed two-state solution

Defense Minister Rob Nicholson similarly stressed the futility of a Quebec separation: “Quebec sovereignty has only ever been guaranteed by Ottawa, and is tenuous, at best, outside of the current supra-confederation. If the Americans don’t roll up, we sure as hell will!”

Nicholson detailed elements of a Canadian contingency plan that’d go into effect when/if the rest of Canada rejected the Parti Quebecois’ quasi-legitimate separation: “All of the gallant, Quebecois men and women who’d pose a threat to the reactive Canadian occupation of the separatist territories are already members of the Canadian Armed Forces. The rest?” Nicholson began to laugh, and then walked off stage, laughing some more.

Nicholson's going to fuck you up.

Nicholson’s going to fuck you up.

Nicholson’s insinuation that the official Canadian response to Quebec separation would be a bloody, bloody invasion, seemed to resonate well with the sub-thematic, poorly-thought-through Middle Eastern element underpinning this article.

Despite the PQ’s imminent majority, not all French-Canadians are so jazzed about the shake-up. Three-Rivers resident and CF veteran Louis Vigeland is outraged over Marois’ politicking. “I kept the peace in Cyprus under the Canadian flag. I shed blood in Afghanistan with the Maple Leaf on my shoulder. I was born in Quebec, Canada, and I’ll sure as hell die in Quebec, Canada.”

Why anyone would want to separate from the greatest country in the history of the world is beyond this reporter. Canada! Canada! Canada! Canada! Canada!