“Toronto roads are for people, not cars and businesses!”


TORONTO—Olivia Chow, former city councillor, NDP member, and life partner of former NDP-icon Jack Layton, entered the Toronto mayoral race in a big way earlier this month, stating “it’s time for change for Toronto.”

Chow has claimed divine right of bicyclists and declared the downtown bourgeoisie exempt from the heavy taxation she’ll levy on the middle class, so those who Tommy Douglas would refer to as “subnormal” in his 1933 Masters thesis* can continue to reap the fruits of other people’s labour.

*Tommy Douglas' Normality Spectrum.

Tommy Douglas’ Normality Spectrum.

Ontario NDP Leader Andrea Hogwash was keen to comment on Chow’s prospects in the Toronto scrum: “I think it’s time a woman takes charge in Toronto, even if that woman claimed $530,000 in expenses in 2008 and lectures Canadians about income disparity and ‘giving back’ from a place of financial security and entitlement. If the people of Ontario are willing to overlook a few billion dollars in needlessly wasted money by the provincial Liberals, then they’ll surely overlook a measly half-a-million that Chow and her husband bilked taxpayers back in the day on account of not feeling like paying rent.”

Torontonians are excited about the promise of Chow as mayor. Thomas DeCosta, a construction worker from Mississauga is riveted. “I’m thrilled about the possibility of paying for all Chow’s well-thought-through municipal levies, taxes, and tolls, and to driving along speed-bumped freeways. Of course I know I’ll be satisfied subsidizing Cabbage Town residents and Liberty Villagers so they can ride their bicycles to high-paying jobs. I AM SO EXCITED.”

Toronto Ruins by JonasDeRo

Artist’s concept of Toronto, 2016. [by JonasDeRo]

Chow, who lived with her late husband Jack Layton in a downtown Toronto subsidized house (rent was $800 and their combined income $120,000), is not the mayor Toronto wants; she’s the mayor Toronto needs…the kind of mayor that rips off the city to save money whilst telling others in her income bracket to part with their cash.

Keep an eye out for the CBC’s new two-hour made-for-TV movie about Chow, expected to go into production early next month, tentatively named: “Rent.” In the meantime, just bask in her glory.