Canadian Prime Minister and Wife spawning “Constantine” to counter Liberal Godsend, Hadrian Trudeau

OTTAWA—On February 28th, future Canadian prime minister Hadrian Trudeau was born, providing the Liberal leader with one more item to juggle poorly.

Artist's rendition of PM Hadrian

Artist’s rendition of PM Hadrian

Not yet one-week old, Hadrian—named after the infamous, Jew-killing, child-loving Roman emperor—has already been deemed “prime-ministerial stock” by the CBC’s chief political analysts. (And for good reason too: unlike his forefathers, the shit and spittle he’s piping out is actually sincere.)  Twitter, too, has been alive over the past few days with speculation and adoration regarding the newest addition to the Trudeau blood line.

Not all reactions have been so positive…

The Conservative party collectively reeled in dismay at the news of the cosmic birth. Baird reportedly increased Canada’s alert-readiness to DEFCON 1,  prompting a nine-hour closed-door meeting on the Hill. At the meeting, one of Harper’s chief advisers—the same who’d earlier argued that there’s no such thing as the anti-christ—suggested that Harper reverse his vasectomy and produce a champion for the Conservative party. Although the Prime Minister initially balked at the idea, his family physician, Moshe Danzig, told reporters on Sunday that, “Stephen and Laureen have already taken the necessary first steps to spawning, if you know what I mean.”

Prime Minister Harper has kept quiet on the matter of whether or not he plans to wage multi-generational war with the Trudeau’s. This morning, he did, however, tweet:  “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction,” with the following image attached.

jebus

Political analysts believe that Hadrian’s platform will emulate both his father’s fanciful vision of a Canada-transformed, and Emperor Hadrian’s reactionary mode, whereby he’d wall-off Quebec, simultaneously keeping out the Anglo threat and separating “Quebec from the barbarians.”

Experts believe that Harper’s prospective heir, code-named “Constantine,” will have a disparate approach: he’ll eliminate the national symbol of the maple leaf in favour of a Christian cross (to the PQ’s chagrin, no doubt); he will foster and improve Canadian relations with the East; and he will adopt a new coin-based currency.

Cassandra Duplensky, a defense consultant for the CFD (Canadian Fringe Department), believes that, “a time is coming where we’ll all have to choose sides.” After sucking her teeth ominously for a good, solid minute, she exclaimed: “We best choose wisely.”

Siting a recent D&D study, Duplensky also noted the likelihood of the politicos’ offspring facing off in a violent and sadistic battle royal[e].

graph

Using advanced simulation software, an undisclosed third-party think tank examined what Hadrian and Constantine’s births mean for Canadians: “carnage and death.” Much of their findings were redacted by court order, save for the last phrase of the final sentence: “no hope, no hope.”

Time will tell whether or not Hadrian will be just another empty promise guaranteed by the prime minister hopeful, and whether the Conservative solution will be viable.