Russell Farraday and neighbours, shocked to find children watching curling, are calling for greater awareness

Curling

 

/RollieTheWizard

KESWICK, ONTARIO—Since finding his children consuming glacial-erotic daytime programming, receiving-dock clerk and Keswick native, Russell Faraday, is calling on the CRTC to review some of their content.

“I went to the store to get a lottery ticket and the newest copy of Score…When I got back the kids were watching something in the living room, real devious-like,” Farraday told MetaCanada.  “They’re always watching something, though, on the TV or on their phones or on the confounded computer; I didn’t really pay much attention at first.  I heard all these scandalous noises coming out of the living room. For a second, I thought the kids were watching something they should not have been—all I could hear was ‘Hurry!  Hurry!  Hard!  Harder!’ The first thing that hit me was carnal desire, of course, but then I realized: ‘I’ve got to get this smut off for the sake of the li’l bastards!'” 

Farraday could “not have ever imagined” the kind of sweaty and profane,red-ringed gymnastics he’d walked in on…

“Curling,” said Farraday. “The brats were watching curling.  I thought they’d found my old stash of—oh, well you know…That’s stuff they shouldn’t be watching.  Stuff that it would be hard for their mother and I and Cornelius to explain.”

Curling, a popular winter sport played chiefly by limber Canadians, comes originally from a Scottish game played by medieval peasants.  Go ahead, Wikipedia that shit. The sport receives a great deal of broadcast attention, exceeded only by hockey.  Many tournaments are held annually; a great many small towns across the country boast their own curling club.  Not everyone accepts the sport with open arms, however.

“It’s pretty salacious,” claims Farraday.  “I mean, you’ve got these men and women thrusting back and forth, shouting at each other to go faster and harder.  I’ve seen softer stuff Friday nights on City TV. A soft-palmed high-five to Moses Znaimer!” After clearing his throat, Farraday concluded: ” They really should give it a parental warning.  I could’ve had a heart attack or something, you know?”