Alison Redford reflects on her time as premier

redfordd

Dear me Diary,

I thought I’d catch you up on what’s been going on. It’s been a rough couple of months, and this time,  I’m not just talking about the turbulence on one of those godawful CRJ Jazz numbers. While it hasn’t been easy dealing with Alberta’s penny-pinching moaners, I’ve managed to make it out of the maelstrom in one piece. Having learned a great deal over the course of my passion,  Glen said I should probably write down some of what I learned before I go into another one of my rages.

1. Albertans can smell the British Columbian on me. Note: buy more musk.

2. People have an aversion to flying around Sarah and I. Jealousy, perhaps? Racism?

3. On commercial airliners, some people actually sit behind the curtain. Can you believe it!? Behind the curtain! How barbaric…

The horror, the horror

The horror, the horror

4. “Put it on my tab” does not mean an indefinite deferral of payment.

5. It’s important—once you’ve fully committed to becoming a vicious Machiavellian with an unencumbered purse— to have a personality-crutch to lean on when there’s blow-back. Alcoholism is an Alberta premier classic. Note: buy some Dom Perignon Kokanee (we’re fitting the bill now, after all).

6. The Teachers’ Union can kiss my ass. “We’ll teach you a lesson,” they said. To which I said, “Oh snap, actual teaching instead of pension politicking? Terrific, now we have an instance of you actually doing your job on record.” To which they said nothing, and went about manufacturing my demise. Note: the teachers’ unions run Canada.

7. Never—NEVER—promise to go to the treasury board on your knees. Villains!

8. It definitely wasn’t worth $45K to watch them put Mandela in the ground. If I wanted to watch a black man fall hopelessly into a hole, I’d just follow Tiger Woods at the PGA.  Note: invoice Alberta government for PGA tickets.

9. In all honesty, the London/India trip was a huge misunderstanding. I wanted to meet with the Tsuu T’ina Indians at a British pub in Calgary. One-hundred thousand dollars later, and I’m sipping on tea in Davos, getting my feet rubbed by some commoner.

KNOCK

 

I really think I’ve changed over the past few years. And by that, I mean I’ve aged.

Best regards,

Ali Roofoo