Great Canadian comic overlooked in favour of a gangly, early-40’s who’s-it
TORONTO—On Friday, Rogers Communications committed to taking a shit in your heart, crucifying you to your commemorative hockey stick, and then leaving your body for the carrion flies.
Rogers Media president Keith Pelley publicly announced that, moving forward, Canada’s beloved Don MacLean will roll as dismally-quiet-third-wheel on Hockey Night in Canada (HNIC). Unsure as to the rationale for this face-lift, the press gallery offered up a volley of gasps and yelps. Pelley—laughing ominously and blinking repeatedly—reassured the crowd that MacLean is healthy and happy, just unwanted.
Coach’s Corner will now be hitched to George Stroumboulopoulos’ wagon. George etc. is stepping-in as the host of the program. Had they asked, Cerebus would have told the execs, “three heads isn’t great, especially when one of them is full of fanciful ideas about extra-hockey culture and the arts.” Experts predict that George will turn the focus of the show away from the game and the score, and hone it in on how the game and the score make us all feel.
Legal cuckold in the HNIC shuffle, CBC President Hubie Lacroix, wept uncontrollably throughout his co-conspirator’s deliverance. Although not miked, Lacroix was heard gnashing his teeth and murmuring, “Jesus Christ, you murderers!” over and over.
Last November, Rogers enveloped the CBC’s Hockey Night in Canada, leaving the show’s former operators and overseers with some illusory agency and editorial say. While the CBC has a fleeting, phantasmic handle on the show until 2018, Rogers is already remodeling, starting with this much-talked-about personality apocalypse.
Stranger and more unfortunate still, there have been rumours circulating that Mike “8 Ball” Bullard was in the running to host HNIC, but was voted-out on account of being “too amiable.” 8 Ball, best known for hosting Open Mike, The Mike Bullard Show, and everybody’s favorite, HouseCapades, is basically Canada’s Drew Carey and Letterman at the same time, minus the glasses in both cases.
Despite being a crowd favorite in the polls, he had to concede defeat to his handsome better: George etc.
Last fall, the CBC’s Lacroix suggested to Bullard that he had a shot at the HNIC host position, and prompted him to toss his hat into the ring. After all, the timing was perfect: Bullard had just won a legal battle with The Comedy Network over whether his archived content was technically”time well wasted.”
Also in the running were Norm Macdonald, Rex Murphy, and Conrad Black. All three were disqualified because “lefties hate genius.”
While neither Pelley nor Lacroix would comment further, an anonymous insider provided the reasoning behind Rogers’ and the CBC’s decision to elect Strombo:
“[he] makes people feel young, whereas Mike Bullard makes people feel self-conscious, unambitious, and nostalgic…”
Sometimes-talent-agent Bruce McGalligher commented on Bullard’s behalf: “The CBC’s a bunch of god-damned communists and Rogers is the fucking devil.”
With fresh blood reintroduced to Hockey Night in Canada and enough plasma stocked-and-ready to sate Cherry’s vampiric demand, boomers and their unthinking spawn will likely be glued to their seats for every puck drop north of the 49th starting next Fall. Bullard and Lacroix, however, will simply have to change the channel.