Wynne’s ready for a mud fight, but Hudak’s brought bricks

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Kathleen Wynne’s office is abuzz with shredding machines and outcry after PC-Leader Tim Hudak’s scandalous insinuation of her criminal guilt. She says she didn’t do it. He’s sure she did.

Hudak’s accusations have driven the Ontario Liberals into high gear, especially with the punch line he delivered on Friday: “For once, there’s no place you can run.”

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On Saturday, the OLP sat for a five-hour strategy session where they discussed “precisely which expendable minister will take the fall for the team” and whether the Kinkos at Spadina clears its computers’ browsing histories. With the help of legal counsel, they reached a consensus: “Kinkos deletes the cookies and histories on the daily. Also, the fact that Wynne read and signed documents relating to the plant cancellations isn’t sufficient evidence, by itself, to prove she has anything to do with the cancellation of those same gas plants. Smokescreen until the guppies’ memories reset.”

Morally absolved by her team, Kathleen Wynne struck back, expressing her outrage over Hudak’s “false, misleading and defamatory” allegations. Wynne reassured that she neither had a hand in concealing the OLP’s cancellation of the promised gas-plants (to sate the desires of vociferous Liberal ridings) nor bears any guilt in the resultant waste of $1.1 billion in tax-payer money.

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A liberal parliamentary insider suggested that if the rumors are found to be true, Wynne’s complicity is at most technical; ethically, she can confront the investigation’s findings on sturdy ethical grounds.

Real study ground.

Real study ground.

According to the liberal parliamentary insider:

No one reads the fine print on anything, ever. My new phone plan had fifteen pages of writ. I ignored all of it. A multi-million-dollar deal is exponentially more tedious to read. The fact she put her legal tattoo on a document doesn’t mean she’s bound in any way to its consequence. Hundreds of millions of dollars, thousands of jobs—none of her concern. This is the twenty-first century. A signature is just the colonizer’s name for a brand and paper is murder.

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It’s unclear if Tory’s chairman, Rob Prichard—who, acting as lawyer for the Ministry of Energy, made a small fortune ($335,000) hemorrhaging settlement money to “make this nightmare go away”—will advise the former McGuinty-campaign co-chair moving forward. Her recent Twitter ripostes seem to imply he’s in the room; his cold breath numbing her ear, taxpayer money being idled away…

Multiple theories are circulating about what incriminating documents were on the computers that Wynne didn’t have someone erase. Porn, sophomore YA manuscripts, and pirated episodes of House of Cards, top the polls for files demanding criminal obfuscation.

Theories are all we have until the investigation reaches a conclusion. Theories and each other.