OTTAWA—Federal NDP members and supporters were shocked to learn from an internal memo that party leader Thomas Mulcair has officially come out as a bear. He has not yet announced what type of bear he is , but party insiders suspect that he is a black bear granted his omnivorous diet, his smooth, rounded ears, and the coarseness of his coat.
Liberal and Conservative MPs alike have speculated that the satellite offices that the NDP have been accused of improperly funding with taxpayer money have actually been utilized as grooming stations, purposed specifically to remove fur from certain parts of Mulcair’s face, as well as from his fore-paws and mane. A MetaCanada NDP insider has hinted that the groomers, hired from local zoos, were on the verge of leaking the story, spurring Mulcair’s Media Director to proactively go public with the information.
It is unclear whether Mulcair or any his immediate family members were involved in a bear attack at Suncor Energy in Alberta earlier this month, but this revelation sheds light on why Mulcair has largely been silent about the issue of pesticide-related bee deaths in Canada…because he’s a fucking bear (any zoologist can tell you that bears hate bees).
Of course, Mulcair is not the first federal party leader to admit to being an animal (/animorph). Green Party leader Elizabeth May has long ago come out about being a horse, and about playing hooky from parliament in her stable eating exclusively apples and hay. As with Mulcair, this revelation was the result of some controversy. The Office of the Ethics Commissioner found in 2012 that while May charged taxpayers for a return flight from Ottawa to Vancouver, she was actually transporting herself in the back of a large metal trailer with small open windows along the side.
Whether or not the fact that Mulcair is a fucking bear will affect the federal NDP Party in the polls remains to be seen, but Canadian polling organization Angus Reid has stated that they “feel that Canadians generally like bears, especially friendly ones like Yogi Bear, and the Care Bears.” If Mulcair can manage to keep his extreme and violent rage in check, this shocking revelation might work in his favour in the long run.