Like most of my peers who grew up in the 50’s, I ignored or rebuked my elders’ suggestions to save. “A penny saved is a penny earned,” they’d babble. If only they could see me now and realize how erroneous their warnings really were.

The proposed Ontario Retirement Pension Plan is a godsend, meaning that my past fifty years of selfish living and frivolous spending won’t hinder me from enjoying my golden years. My objective in life used to be fighting the man; now I’m trying to get him to pilfer other people’s coffers so I can live comfortably.

Sure, there’s the CPP, Old Age Security, and whatever savings I’ve scratched together—and senior’s discounts and an entire society geared towards sating my desires—but that’s simply not enough when it comes to paying off my creditors. Those Audis aren’t going to lease themselves…

Picture unrelated.

Picture unrelated.

Some people think its ageist to hit up the labour force to take care of extant unprepared old timers (there’s around 3 million of us just waiting to croak), and then pay-it-forward with their own futures in mind, as opposed to implementing this program as a generational step—letting people just entering the work force to pay towards their futures. This government is not about fair shakes, and there’s no reason to start now.

Before bankrupting Canada with my generation’s healthcare costs, it’s important to squeeze out whatever other funds are still sitting around, in preparation for our final countdown. Anyone who disagrees is an ageist (while it’s not ageist to heavily tax and inconvenience younger generations because WE ARE LEGION). Would these ageists rather old people just die? We’ve all seen that movie before, Hitler.

Speaking of Hitler, I feel—after a life spent rebelling and deriding government domestic intervention—that there’s nothing infantilizing about the government telling me how to spend my money, especially if most of my money is off the books. The more the government does for our own good, the better, even if it happens to penalize conscientious folk and the working poor (not mutually exclusive, I’m told).

I really don’t see how, besides taking their money, the working poor are worse off, as some of the Plan’s critics have argued. Sure, a lot of them don’t have the time or the money to take care of themselves, and through this Plan, are paying towards a future they won’t be around to see. Sure, the money they could have accrued had the government not stolen it, might be better invested elsewhere, rather than traded for IOUs—perhaps used for their children’s education, etc. But I digress, electing, instead, to agree completely with Premier Wynne. The working poor don’t know any better, and they need the government to show them the way (the same government that couldn’t save a dime despite promising to, doubling, instead the province’s debt ). Otherwise, the working poor will exercise agency and make their own mistakes or successes, and where does that lead the rest of us? Nowhere good, where my wallet’s concerned.

The whole matter of jobs leaving the province because of the Plan’s associated payroll tax—which requires employers to fit half-the-bill—is really just a problem for people who want or need jobs. So long as an eighteen-year-old barista is paying it forward somewhere in this province, I think I should be in the clear.

Whether you’re over fifty-five or not under fifty-five, the Ontario Retirement Pension Plan will be to your advantage. It is time for Ontario to put its faith back in the LPO. Sure they’re pulling a John Henry and slamming the economy into the fucking ground. Sure they’ve lied to us. Sure they’re chasing businesses out like the Bubonic plague. Sure their new budget is targeting the working poor and the upper-middle class. But you know what? It’s for our own good.

-Zoe Jabroney, 62, Rosedale