This just in!

The CBC, or what some might refer to as the cornerstone of the great Canadian teepee, is an important historical and cultural institution. It has entertained several of us for decades. Air Farce. 22 Minutes. Mr. D. Republic of Doyle. Hockey Night in Canada. These are shows Canadians have paid for, but like an abortion, it’s an expense few try not to think about or revisit. The question of the CBC’s legacy or the quality of its uninteresting content is not in dispute. Its future, on the other hand…

Over the past decade, the CBC has fallen in a state of financial and spiritual decline. Alain Saulnier, a former CBC executive, suggested that the home of all of this nation’s most cherished and unwatched programming is “in danger of disappearing forever.”

The CBC? Yeah, it's fucked.

The CBC? Yeah, it’s fucked.

Saulnier’s forewarning was substantiated with news from CBC President Hubert Lacroix that 400 additional layoffs will take place by March of this year. Granted the company saw more than 1,000 layoffs last year, the situation is awfully bleak.

With Thomas Mulcair and Justin Trudeau promising to inject taxpayer funds into the CBC’s brittle veins in an effort to revitalize the company, critics fear that even the suggested $115M won’t be enough.

Your CBC, your money, their charity.

Your CBC, your money, their charity.

We, as a country, cannot let the CBC bleed out slowly. There are two possible ways to go about handling this situation. Canada can either take the CBC behind the barn and mercy kill it, or introduce a program so desirable that the network’s future is secured with the prospect of returning viewers, syndication money, and ad revenue.

There is only one individual charismatic enough to carry such a show. Brian Mulroney has passed his peak, Thomas Mulcair’s marginal bear-appeal is relatively fringe, and Preston Manning is looking a few shades too aged. Rex Murphy would be perfect, but his track-record of rational inquiry has alienated those with bleeding hearts and deoxygenated brains. No. If the CBC is to have a champion, s/he ought to be equal-parts charismatic and sensational.

Justin Trudeau. The heaven-sent son of the Zeus of the Canadian pantheon—Papineau’s Heracles-in-the-flesh—ought to spotlight as the CBC’s saviour. He has an abundance of insight into things. He has a deafening smile and a dumbing voice. Only Justin could incite the kind of fervor seen on the Royal Family’s tour of Canada. Only Justin could revitalize this moribund CBC!


The best part of this arrangement—Just-In, Trudeau!—would be that the CBC, instead of feverishly reporting on whatever easily digestible tidbit Justin had picked out of his tomb-stone teeth that morning, can just play Justin’s program on loop, satiating zealous liberals coast to coast to coast. To supplement filming costs, red CBC books can be distributed for a small sum, providing transcripts of each episode so that they can follow along with re-runs or catch-up on the latest Trudeauism.

Just-in, Trudeau

Let us ask Trudeau to sit down and talk to Canadians, and in so doing, elevate the CBC to new heights.