leaders

The federal leaders kicked off their respective campaigns today in what will be the longest federal election in Canadian history.

Conservative leader Stephen Harper was in Montreal, where he was butchering the French language and alienating childless families with promises of even bigger UCCB cheques. His campaign stop ignited a chaotic riot in downtown Montreal which spread like wildfire into the suburbs. Police finally got a handle on the situation hours later. Final tally: six dead, fifty five injured.

NDP leader Thomas Mulcair was in Gatineau, where he spoke candidly on national TV, and then refused to take any questions. When asked why he refused to take any questions, he replied “I said no questions, didn’t you hear me?” Mulcair is expected to stop in every Canadian city that is home to a barber with shears strong enough to trim his burly beard. Early reports from inside the socialist NDP campaign bus indicate that bottled water is in short supply and being distributed based on need.

Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau rolled out of bed a few hours after the writ was dropped, and declared that he has a new way of doing politics. When asked whether or not he was concerned about the most recent poll numbers, which places the Liberals in a distant third place, he asked if he could have a slice of cucumber in his water. Campaign spokesperson Katie Telford later followed up with MetaCanada, clarifying that Justin had insisted on organic cucumber in his water.

Green Party leader Elizabeth May also commented on the unusually early writ drop with a drunken tirade against Stephen Harper. “I don’t know who that asshole thinks he is,” she slurred, “but I’ll have him know I once fought a kangaroo and won, so he better watch out.” she concluded, before tripping on the carpet and spilling her dry martini. MetaCanada will make every effort to get statements from Ms. May as part of our #elxn42 coverage, though this may be difficult as she refuses to use wireless internet services.

Stay tuned for much more #elxn42 coverage from your MetaCanada reporters!!