This unusually long election season is only just underway, but already six issues have emerged which none of the federal leaders will have the luxury of avoiding:
NDP leader Thomas Mulcair‘s bizarre first-day campaign promise of a $7 trillion tax hike on the middle class to pay for daycare for low-income single mothers spawned a flurry of other tax policy-related promises. Stephen Harper promised a negative corporate tax rate of -4% on oil companies in order to ensure they continue drilling for oil in Canada and not take their business elsewhere, while Justin Trudeau promised to increase the GST to 10% in order to “finance the connection he has had with Canadians for years.” MetaCanada’s inquiry as to what exactly Justin meant by that went unanswered by his campaign team.
2. That giant scary looking red thing hovering above the CN Tower
As everyone living in the GTA knows, for several months there has been a bizarre, sinuous object hovering in the sky around and above the CN tower. Most residents have chosen to heed Mayor Tory’s advice and pay it no regard, however its constant spastic movements and the late night screeching sounds it emits are becoming worrisome. At some point, a federal leader must address this.
3. The rabid beavers in Edmonton wreaking havoc on public infrastructure
Some may say this is a municipal issue, but the beavers have moved far beyond chewing on mailboxes and destroying fire hydrants. They are now feasting on federal infrastructure as well, which is prompting local residents to try to make this a campaign issue. Thomas Mulcair made a crude joke about aging beaver, which this news outlet is too classy to republish. No other leaders have chimed in.
4. Climate Change
Toronto residents have grown increasingly agitated towards the effects of climate change, claiming it is wreaking havoc on the Maple Leafs’ abilities to make the playoffs. Indeed, more and more Leafs fans are blaming the effects of climate change on their decade long playoff drought.
MetaCanada reached out to Top Scientists to explain this phenomenon. Scientician Bill Delvins explains: “Leafs players become climatized to the relatively warm Toronto climate in the early months of the hockey season. As the year progresses and the travel schedule becomes more strenuous, the cooler weather – which is becoming more pronounced as a result of climate change – takes its toll.” Delvins points to the shortened 2012-2013 season, in which the Leafs bewilderingly did make the playoffs, as proof of his theory’s accuracy.
5. Moving mountains from Alberta to Saskatchewan
Brad Wall’s position as the premier of the most economically successful and prosperous province has spurred him to place a bizarre demand at the feet of the federal government and his neighbour to the west: that 25% of the Rocky Mountain range be moved 800 km east, into Saskatchewan.
“Saskatchewan is tired of being punished for having the strongest economy in Canada, we demand more of this country’s natural beauty in exchange for our bloated transfer payments,” Wall explained, while stroking a black feline on his lap. All three federal party leaders have steered clear of this debate so far. Stay tuned.
6. The ghost of Brian Mulroney
At every Stephen Harper campaign stop so far, the ghost of former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney has appeared, either to deliver a dire warning from beyond the grave or to graze at the snack table. At one campaign stop in Richmond Hill, the ghost cryptically declared to members of the media that “Canada’s life expectancy will be dictated by the Chinese government.”
When asked why a ghost would know so much about the future, he evaded the question. When asked how he can take the figure of a ghost while he is still alive, he slowly faded into thin air. Some reporters speculate that this was actually just Brian Mulroney the very much alive man, wearing too much white make-up. No one knows for sure. One thing is for sure, though: his presence at these events will have to be addressed soon.