polls-sept21

With less than a month left to go in this bizarrely long campaign, the numbers continue to waver all over the place.

Experiencing a small bump last week as voters move past what Glen McGregor dubbed “RenAndStimpyGate“, Stephen Harper‘s Conservatives skyrocketed all the way back up to majority territory. Now sitting at 42%, pollsters are crediting this rebound to voters actually considering the implications of admitting millions of Syrian refugees to Canada, and coming back to their senses. One voter said: “Sure, I mean, urinating on photos of Syrian refugees may be taking it a little far, but at the end of the day, at least we know Harper isn’t going to throw the doors open to terrorists.”

The NDP plummeted to 15% after peaking at 52% just two weeks prior. This is largely attributable to the surfacing of a videotape which shows NDP leader Thomas Mulcair calling Newfoundladers “a bunch of dickless, bottom-feeding parasites.” When asked about the video, Mulcair apologized for what he described as a “regretful mistake”.

The Liberals’ hopes of forming government looked promising all throughout September, but their numbers are down sharply this week after leader Justin Trudeau‘s interview with Steve Murphy. When asked to explain and cost out his “more lobsters” promise, Trudeau went on the defensive, standing up, animating his posture, hiking up his pants, imitating buck teeth, and saying with a sharp eastern Canadian accent: “You tell me what it’ll cost, you Newfie bastard. Use all your free time and that there welfare cheque to buy yerself a calculator!”

Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe, after supporting Harper’s position on the fight against ISIS, saw a small bump in the polls, up to 5%.

Oddly, the Green Party sits at precisely 0% after leader Elizabeth May claimed that “wi-fi signals” caused her to physically attack a random woman in downtown Calgary over the weekend.

Stay tuned for more poll analysis in the weeks to come!