In a move described by normal common-sense people as “batshit crazy as all fuck”, Montreal has decided to just go right ahead and dump 8 billion liters of raw sewage into the St. Lawrence River in order to avoid costs related to not dumping raw sewage in the river.

Montreal Mayor Denis Coderre reported on Wednesday that the pollution of the river with literally billions of gallons of piss and shitwater is going smoothly, and that the foul smell and discoloration of the river was an expected consequence of filling it with massive amounts of rotting piss and feces.

“We are not worried at all about the quality of the water, and we are performing testing before, during and after the operation. We are confident that the testing will show high levels of human fucking shit in the water.”

A helpful map of the area affected by dumping billions of litres of human waste into the St. Lawrence River. Brown regions indicate the water that will be full of shit and piss.

A helpful map of the area affected by dumping billions of litres of human waste into the St. Lawrence River. Brown regions indicate the water that will be full of shit and piss.

When pressed for details on the health impacts of the operation, the Mayor responded “If you live around here, just try not to breathe the air, or whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s all healthy because it’s been approved, so just go about your business and pretend you’re not surrounded by shit everywhere like it’s a goddamn third world country. Do want me to go drink some of my own shit out of that water to prove it’s ok? Because I’ll do it, I don’t even give a fuck anymore.”

Citizens are being asked not to flush medication, condoms or tampons down the toilet during the dumping of the shitwater, because they don’t want “anything gross” contaminating the massive amount of human waste and related bacteria that they’re dumping into the water.

In a related story, a carrot factory in Nova Scotia is shutting down and laying off 100 workers, due to government regulations about dumping pieces of carrots into water.