Trudeau Government Rushing to React to Major Geopolitical Changes Expected January 1st
Written by u/LicensetoShill
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau’s newly formed government has already been forced to abandon many campaign promises, such as limiting their budget deficits to $10 billion annually or bringing in 25,000 refugees by the end of the year, but sources close to the party predict even more drastic changes are expected to come as of January 1st, 2016.
“Justin’s panicking over the news, and I can’t blame him. Almost nobody in the party saw this coming, but luckily a security guard, hired by [former Prime Minister] Harper overheard the conversation and interrupted us,” a Liberal party insider told MetaCanada under a condition of anonymity. “We were just going over the plans and policies, like we normally do at these meetings, and Justin was explaining why we were making some of the specific decisions we were making. The situation only became serious when Aboriginal Affairs Minister Carolyn Bennett asked why preparations for stage two of the missing and murdered aboriginal women (set to begin January 8th) would be geographically dispersed rather than centralized in Ottawa. Of course, Mr. Trudeau answered that the same way he answers all questions about policy decisions.”
According to the source, the security guard felt pressed to interrupt and inform the Liberal leadership that January 8th would be situated in 2016, not 2015.
The whole room was rendered speechless. Prime Minister Trudeau told everyone to leave while he deliberated over what he later called “new information.” Cabinet Ministers were seen in the hall rapidly checking their Blackberries to confirm this information– information which threatens to derail the entire direction of the current government.
“Honestly, Trudeau wasn’t the only Liberal in the room who’d forgotten that the year changes on January 1st. Since almost all of our decisions and policies are based around it being the year 2015, nobody was really prepared for– you know–the whole year changing. Does that really happen annually? It seems like a pretty terrible system to be quite honest. I mean, throw out all of the plans, unless we can do it within two or three weeks, we’re just not going to get anything done. My job was to get our fighter planes out of Iraq and stop bombing ISIS, which made a lot of sense when it was 2015, but when it’s 2016? I just don’t know, maybe we should keep bombing them.”
Some Ottawa insiders believe that these changes, while unforeseen and devastating, can be controlled by the new government if they act fast and decisively.
“I doubt Harper would have been able to handle this kind of global development, but Trudeau seems to have his head screwed on straight,” iPolitics commentator Michael Harris told MetaCanada. “Some things will obviously have to change, such as the 50/50 gender balance in Cabinet–that’s not going to work anymore unless the female cabinet ministers start wearing niqabs to work. But other policies, such as prioritizing refugees by gender rather than religion, should be able to stay. I mean, ISIS targets their victims based on religion so if we target the same people ISIS does for our refugee program, we’re no better than them.”
While it seems improbable that an entire group of people as experienced as the sitting cabinet should be would forget the basic rules time and space, one junior minister explained why she thinks that may have been the case:
“Well in our very first cabinet meeting, Mr. Trudeau told us we had to rethink elements as basic as space and time. So we did, and while I can’t speak for everyone, I was honestly under the impression that 2015 would just kind of restart on January 1st. It’s like that movie Groundhog’s Day featuring Bill Murray, which Justin told us was one of the most influential books he’s ever read, when January 1st hits it would just be another January 1st, 2015. We are in a leap year, after all… Having only one date per year really seems like the old way of thinking about things, and I truly did not believe we did that anymore. I mean it is, for now at least, 2015.”
At the time of printing a spokesperson for the Trudeau Government confirmed the news citing that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau personally confirmed this year change on his Garfield daily calendar.