Written by an anonymous undercover MetaCanada operative

Prominent marijuana legalization activist Randy Burns used to stand outside Parliament with a sign that said “Legalize Weed”. Nowadays, he has added a modifier to that sign – A “Don’t” in black ink at the top of his sign (which now states “Don’t Legalize Weed”). The change in approach, says Burns, is because the government is seeking to take jobs away from activists like himself who have dedicated their entire life to fighting for marijuana legalization.

“It’s bullshit, man,” says Burns as he takes a deep drag from a massive joint he says helps with his glaucoma. “People like me have built our entire career around protesting for legalization, and now the government thinks they can just come along and take that from us? It’s tyranny, man”.

Smokin' and Smuggin'

Burns demonstrates his signature smug / angry face that he typically used while fighting for marijuana rights.

Protesting for legalization has been a fruitful career for Burns, 42. After dropping out of University in his first term in 1990, the bearded and disheveled activist says he floundered for several years in part time service sector jobs, selling weed on the side to the waitresses in the restaurants he washed dishes in. Burns says he was always a fan of “the herb”, as he calls it, but it wasn’t until he was having a conversation with a fellow cannabis smoker one night in a park that he realized fighting for legalization was his calling.

“It was that night in the park, man. The idea just came to me. We were smoking a joint back behind a tool shed in the back of the park, and I realized I shouldn’t have to hide in the shadows any more! From that day forward, I smoked pot publicly, out in front of everyone so they could see how normal and acceptable the healing herb is. If people tried to harass me, I would scream and yell at them about how marijuana is a peaceful drug and that they should go home and choke on their alcohol and pill addictions”

“Now, after nearly two decades of fighting the good fight, smoking weed in public, now this new government wants to take that away from me? They what, think someone like me can just go and get a regular job again? This is literally fascism, and if people can’t see this is a big government nanny state, job-stealing, rent-seeking move by this government, then they are in for a rude awakening. What’s next? First they kill the ‘Stop Harper’ bumper sticker industry, then they steal jobs from legalization activists. What’s next? Unmuzzling scientists? What will those scientists do now?”

The future is bleak, says Burns, as he yells at some college kids walking by openly puffing on a vaporizer. “See those kids?”, he asks, visibly shaken. “With the election of Trudeau, it’s like no one thinks smoking pot is a big deal any more. Now these college kids walk around smoking weed and they don’t even understand that it’s making people like me obsolete.”

It’s not all doom and gloom, though, says the tie-dyed-in-the-wool activist. He’s thinking of moving to Sweden, where marijuana legalization is beginning to be discussed. “I want to go there and help pot smokers there understand that legalization will destroy their way of life, just like it is doing here in Canada. It’s too late for us, but hopefully they can learn from our mistakes. Too many people have fought hard to be a cliched hippie pot smoker for this to become a normal, mainstream thing that people with real jobs enjoy.”