Article written by MetaCanada’s business correspondent, Lord_B
In a sign of national solidarity Canadians stood up for one another across the country. In a singular voice Canadians shouted “We have had enough. We will no longer purchase foreign tomatoes and foreign ketchup.” Voting with their wallets, Canadians made a show of strength to support Canadian jobs and local production. The 99% forced big grocery to bow to their demands, compelling Loblaws to restock French’s on their shelf. When asked for comment Kevin Groh, vice-president of corporate affairs and communication for Loblaws replied;
“It’s red, sugar, vinegar, who gives a fuck?”
The initial red wave of vinegar and Canadian pride showed cracks in solidarity as it swept across the nation when Rachel Notley decided to weigh in on the issue. The Alberta Premier boldly pronounced that she would continue to consume Heinz ketchup in protest to lack of market access for Alberta crude oil.
Notley was quoted at a press conference stating:
“Fuck you guys. You will watch 100,000 people in Alberta lose their jobs without blinking an eye but then a couple people at a packing plant get scooped up and it is a national victory? Screw this, diluted bitumen is just as good to put on your hotdog as French’s ketchup.” She then proceeded to devour an oil soaked hotdog defiantly staring into cameras. “It tastes like Alberta pride!” She remarked before being helped from the podium to another room. Premier Notley was later hospitalized for ingesting the diluted bitumen.
When reached for a counter point Brad Wall’s twitter did not contain any condiment related messages.