Canadians no Longer Legally Entitled to speak Hateful Gendered Language which violates the Charter and Canadian Values
Ottawa – The French Language has officially been declared transphobic and therefore unconstitutional, ruled the Canadian Human Rights Tribunal in a 4-1 decision. Effective immediately, anyone speaking the language will be charged with a criminal offence and sentenced to any number of punishments ranging from fines to life imprisonment.
It all started with a complaint to the human rights tribunal by transgendered woman and Trudeau supporter Mandy Realiaman. Mandy, aged 18-29, first noticed how offensive the language was when he was forced to take a French language course at Ryanson University as part of his gendered studies program.
“It was my first day of the class and I couldn’t figure out the difference between le and la. I asked my professor to ask a woman of colour what the difference was and, offensively enough, he answered me himself,” Realiaman told MetaCanada.ca. “He mansplained to me that meuble, which is the homophobic way of saying furniture, is masculine.”
“How dare he? How dare he, as a white male, tell my couch what gender it is? Did he even ask it? Does he think he can just ‘assign’ a gender to my ottoman? I learned enough in my six years of undergrad that I knew I had to take my complaint to the human rights commission.”
The ruling was a shock to many in the legal community including noted constitutional law expert Peter Hogg. MetaCanada.ca asked Mr. Hogg for a statement, then refused to print it once it was revealed that he was a white male and therefore his opinion on the law did not matter. Instead MetaCanada went to Tina Tumblington, a disabled aboriginal lesbian who is considered an expert on this type of law, despite having no formal or informal legal training.
“Well, the constitution is a funny thing,” she told MetaCanada.ca. “For the same reason the Supreme Court found the right to life includes the right to die, and that it’s unconstitutional to open a government meeting by recognizing the Supremacy of God, despite how the constitution itself does that, I think the high court will adopt the ‘Stephen Harper’ test and uphold this law.”
(Editor’s Note: for those unaware, the Stephan Harper test is a legal test employed by the Supreme Court of Canada where they ask themselves what decision would piss off Stephen Harper the most and then make that decision regardless of the law.)
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau immediately diverted $600,000 which was earmarked for veterans to hold a luxurious press conference to profusely apologize to Ms. Realiaman.
“We as Canadians think that hurt feelings are the worst thing that could ever happen to a person,” the white male leader of the only federal party to never have a female leader said over a twitter feed. “I for one, refuse to take part in a language that is not only transphobic, but is culturally appropriated from the Métis people. While it is impossible for a Métis person to be transphobic, obviously, it is through our joint history of racism and cultural genocide that these words took on such a hateful meaning.”
The decision will be most strongly felt in the East, especially in Quebec and New Brunswick. While some Québécois were upset that they had to speak English at all times, a language they’ve only encountered on TV, movies, in any business transaction, and in conversation with anyone they meet, some people were excited about the changes. New Brunswick resident Paul Cormier told MetaCanada in what I assume is perfect Syrian:
“Ah la, Tabernac. It’s good there eh? Now we don’t comme la, have to listen to dem upper Canadians try to use der shitty French, at dat der Tim Hortons and order a fucking café la. Estee Tabernac”
MetaCanada correspondent Licence to Shill is currently under CRTC investigation for his flagrant use of the word Québécois.