Article written by MetaCanada’s chief legal correspondent, LordB
Earlier today MetaCanada.ca received shocking new DNA evidence related to the Jian Ghomeshi trial. The former Q “star” (now embroiled in controversy over a recent legal decision to dismiss assault charges) was originally thought to be raised in a Muslim household by Iranian parents. MetaCanada.ca has received new information that strongly suggests Jian Ghomeshi was not, in fact, of Iranian descent, but is actually Syrian.
When reached for comment Jian Ghomeshi confirmed the shocking revelation:
“Yes, I have seen the evidence myself. I always had a feeling I had Syrian roots. Officially I have applied for a change of name to SyriJian Ghomeshi to honour my heritage.”
This news sent seismic waves through the political discourse with the force of an Alberta Minister of Health jumping jack. Self-proclaimed social justice warriors previously supporting #IBelieveSurvivors immediately reversed their position, given this new information. #StandwithSyriJian blew up the twitter-verse gaining enough traction that recently demoted NDP beardo Tom Mulcair tweeted in support.
Social justice warriors solidified with SyriJian, Tom Mulcair and Kathleen Wynne in support of Syrian refugees and denounced cultural appropriation. Kathleen Wynne issued the following statement:
“We are a multicultural society, and we have set aside $10.5 milli- Sorry what’s that? We are out of money? Oh right.” Wynne paused then continued, “We have set aside $10.5 BILLION American dollars for refugees and to show our political commitment to protecting these refugees and their unique endangered culture. We will provide SyriJian Ghomeshi $5 billion American dollars in arts grants. That’s like $50 billion Canadian right? We are super supportive of Syrians here, not racist. Not racist.”
MetaCanada.ca reached out to racist people who do not support the mass blind acceptance of Syrian refugees for comments about the Jian Ghomeshi trial and new DNA information. Professional internet hillbilly extraordinaire Gavin McInnes weighed in on the situation as a counter balance:
“At first I supported the legal systems decision for Ghomeshi to beat up broads. Then I found out he was Syrian and I knew that he was an economic rapefugee. I mean, the guy has been ear raping us with Moxy Fruvous since what the 80’s? Did you see the fucked up U in that name? Clearly terrorist.”
Moxy Fruvous was founded in 1989 making Gavin’s statement technically correct. The album Bargainville was originally entitled Rapeville but was changed due to Jian’s Iranian descent. Critics suspect it would be more accepted today now that Jian is SyriJian.