Liberals to Unveil Canada’s New Two-Tier Euthanasia System

PM Trudeau II and his Liberal Party convened yesterday to discuss the future of healthcare in Canada, having already dealt with the week’s two other priorities: finding empressive work for Sophie Trudeau to do and conferring supra-rights to those suffering from body dysmorphia.

With the Baby Boom generation ready to retire, settle into decrepitude, and lose their minds (see: 5 million Canadians aged 65 or older), the Canadian Government is under pressure to come up with ways to fortify its healthcare system or to at the very least provide it with institutional floodgates.

Although a reported 83% of Canadian geriatrics are “on track for a comfortable retirement” (McKinsey survey) and will be able to subsidize the cost of keeping their meat bags pulsating, there is a great number of people—either childless or rightly abandoned—who will once again constitute dependents on the state.

Alzheimers, for example—the most common form of dementia—is projected to double from half-a-million to over one-million cases by 2038. Absent family support or savings, each of these patients will cost the government over $80,000 a year in care-giving and sheltering costs. Coupled with the welfare costs already allotted to citizens whose cocks and brains still work, this demographic shift will surely bankrupt the system.

After coming to grips with these dire facts, the Liberals have floated an innovative solution, that promises to reduce the burden placed by the elderly and the mentally defunct on the healthcare system while at the same time advancing Canadian euthanasia rights. It is, after all, 2016.

Justin Trudeau claims that “unfettered euthanasia is the answer to depressed fruits and immobile vegetables.” Euthanasia is already virtually legal across Canada, but under the current proposal, many of the archaic and ostensibly arbitrary laws still in place, preventing certain Canadians from getting a dose of devil-juice, will be lifted. Ultimately, Trudeau plans to provide healthcare providers with the means to respectfully brain useless-Canadians in droves without accountability to patients’ families, the courts, or to third-party ethics commissions.

Citing concerns for quality and equality of treatment, body-positive Minister of Health Jane Philpott has promised that anyone in need of a state-sponsored execution will be granted one, whether the petitioner is an angsty teen dealing with a break-up or a shamed and pedophilic ex-deputy-education-minister who ought to stop collecting his pension.

Head-Scrambler 2000


Owing to the two-tier nature of this final solution, “Netflix and Kill” booths will be made available to premium one-time customers, whereby a patient sits through the first five minutes of Amy Schumer’s comedy special and then graciously receives a lethal injection.

Conversely, for patients using the first-tier government-subsidized alternative, there are currently three proposed options: the aptly-named “Killing Pits,” currently under construction in Leduc, Halifax, Edmonton, and Sudbury; the “Head-Scrambler 2000,” originally designed for killing partially-born babies; and the “Bloor Die-a-duct” (diagram below).

Bloor Die-A-Duct

By respecting the dignity of the tax payer and by offing entire herds of thoughtless pinkish-grey husks, Justin Trudeau’s Liberals are on track to save Canadian healthcare from collapse and to save younger generations from hearing broken-English tales of the”the good old days.”