Tory Lauer, an Ottawa man with an imposing figure and a wide gait, has put the challenge to Parliament: “Make Canada Great Again.” This demand came as a surprise to many on the Hill, as well as to Canadians everywhere, given the statement’s insinuation that Canada has, at some point along the way, ceased to be great.

Certainly Canada has been great in the past, and is still a great place to work and a beautiful place in which to die. We are, after all, talking about the country (warning: incoming Canadian patriot copypasta) that was at war with Hitler years before the US committed; the nation that seized Vimy Ridge after her allies failed, and sent its men and women onto bloody European fields in two World Wars, as well as into subsequent satellite wars in Korea, Afghanistan, Cyprus, Iraq, and Kosovo; that sovereign state that saved American hostages from certain death in Iran, and has been saving the world from itself with aid, innovation, and force, in countless humanitarian peacekeeping missions throughout the 20th and 21st Centuries; a nation with arms in space, fists and firsts in professional sports, and its people protected by a phenomenally nuanced and effective constitution, rule of law, and healthcare system…

Recognizing these facts about this allegedly not-so-great nation, Lauer was pressed to defend his comments:

“Forgive me for my nationalistic fervor, but make no mistake: Canada is a great nation—perhaps the greatest—and I am proud to call it home. But it is less than what it could be and certainly less than what it should be.

“Canada has been hijacked by people who would rather destroy than build; people who fancy revisionist histories and tear down monuments to Fathers of Confederation in service to an anarcho-narrative whereby there are no heroes but those whose tales conform to this great national lessening… Snobby and apparently flawless-urbanites who provoke class warfare without skin in the game; who revile those who do not think exactly as they do, notwithstanding the horrible inconsistencies of their own tyrannical ideology… Hijacked by individuals entitled to the sweat of their neighbour’s brow but not responsible for their own inaction.

“Some refer to this pernicious group and their affront to the West as the regressive left. With minds so open as to have liberated their brains, they want to achieve a post-national, post-religious, post-Western moment so inclusive as to require anyone with a stake in reality to sit out or similarly open their domes.

“This regressive left has effectually turned our great national dialogue into one long and unending speech, fraught with political correctness, anti-Semitic and anti-Christian bigotry, eugenics, espousals of invented victimization, and myriad –isms.

“This regressive left has mutilated both the centrist and conservative speaker by imagining and superimposing upon her phobias, hatred, and aggression, she neither humored, imagined, nor would ever act upon.

“This regressive left conveys their moral superiority and ends debate by consistently framing their intellectual-betters as fascists, despite the fact that everything about the regressive left’s intention, mandate, and execution is as savagely authoritarian as legally permissible. (Meanwhile, Canada’s Supreme Court is working on allowances to give the regressive left more slack in order to hang the last free thinker.)

“Among the regressive left and opponents of a greater Canada: Marxist de-constructionalists and their politically-correct ilk. With silver-spooned proponents like Gerry Butts, Kathleen Wynne, and Justin Trudeau, joined by those de-oxygenated brains staffing campuses coast to coast to coast, it’s no wonder that outside our nation’s few, purely apolitical industries, many men and women of conscience, conviction, or a conservative persuasion have been cowed into silence, cowed into acquiescence, cowed into invisibility. Those that resist censure and face the foul and frothy-mouthed leviathan can be fired, ostracized, or manacled before extra-legal commissions.

“This movement to eliminate dissent and ideological differences in the interest of reducing social tension is akin to eliminating mucous membranes to make a cold more comfortable—a likely outcome may well be death from the head down.

“Make no mistake: this is a country riddled with political correctness and ravaged by destroyers, who seek to divide with rhetoric rather than unify this great country with a vision of the future—a future won by and for a free people, as varied in their political, religious, and social outlooks as the Canadian landscape.

“The regressive left wants to keep giving their lecture until all are in agreement and all are branded. To Hell with them. Make Canada great again.”

When asked to comment on Lauer’s speech, a representative from the PMO reportedly responded with: “No thanks, Hitler.”