With so many Americans planning on moving to Canada after Donald Trump wins the election, and terrorist attacks worldwide increasing (for no reason whatsoever), it’s time to brush up on the Canadian way to respond when one of these terror attacks happen.


Step 1: Act Confused about the Cause of the Attack

Don’t let common sense or history dictate the possible cause of this terror attack. Ensure that you pretend to be completely oblivious to the potential causes, even after facts start coming out that the attacker is named “Omar” or “Mohammed,” or even that they shouted “Allah Akbar” before the attack took place. This attack could be anyone and your first thoughts should be “White Right-Wing Extremist,” no matter the context.

The media may try to speculate that this terror attack is connected to a radical terror group such as ISIS or Al Qaeda. You must alternate between declaring that these terrorist groups have nothing to do with Islam, and chastising the media for jumping the gun before 100% proof comes out. At this point the fact that ISIS is claiming responsibility for the attack should have no bearing on your opinion about who is responsible.

Ohio State University scientists mapped 21 distinct emotional facial expressions, including apparently contradictory states such as 'happily disgusted' or 'sadly angry.'

Step 2: Blame Conservative Issues

Despite not being allowed to speculate on the national origin of the terrorists or their religion, you’re encouraged to blame traditional right wing issues for the attack. Blame it on nationalism or gun control and you don’t need facts to back that up. If there’s any possibility, no matter how remote, that there’s a connection to Christianity or white males immediately blame them. Maybe the Confederate Flag has something to do with this?

It’s also important at this point to declare the attacker mentally ill. You don’t need any kind of specialty training or knowledge of the person to realize that this shooter is motivated by their own mental illness and not their religion. Immediately counter any point brought up by others by declaring this mental illness as a known fact.

Ohio State University scientists mapped 21 distinct emotional facial expressions, including apparently contradictory states such as 'happily disgusted' or 'sadly angry.'Step 3: Act Surprised when the Cause turns out to be Islam

The attacker will inevitably turn out to be Muslim. Act surprised! Blame others for being racist for jumping the gun and blaming Islam before they knew for sure.

Now begin your educational mission of telling everyone how peaceful Islam is, and how this attack has nothing to do with Islam. By this point your mental illness narrative may have been completely disproved, but that’s no reason not to keep pushing it.

Start comparing this attack to completely unrelated events, like a murder/suicide or a train accident. At this point its a good time to point out that other things kill people more often than terrorism such as hitting a moose with your car, or fast food. People will be impressed by your knowledge and well reasoned argument.

Don’t forget, Hitler wasn’t Muslim and he killed a lot of people. Remind other about that. The Crusades were also bad!

Step 4: Change your Facebook Profile Picture

Nothing shows the terrorists you mean business like superimposing a picture of a national flag over your profile picture. Studies have shown that terrorist attacks decrease nearly three percent after most of society does this (please note, the margin of error on this study is three percent).

At this point you should make a Facebook post declaring you’re thinking about the victims (saying you’re praying for them will likely offend the Muslim community thereby provoking another attack… which they will have nothing to do with). Hashtags are especially useful such as #notallMuslims, #Islamophobia. The victims are no longer relevant so make sure your hashtag only supports the attackers. Now you can assume (without any evidence) that innocent Muslims, who were merely celebrating an unrelated event directly after the terror attack, are being targeting by the evil conservatives using their hateful words.

 Step 5: Do Nothing, Fear Islamophobia, and Allow Attacks to keep Happening

This is the most import part! Despite the fact that the vast majority of Muslims in Canada have no intention on ever integrating into society and have no respect for minorities or women, they are the primary victims in this situation. Sure they may have celebrated when the attacks happened, and they invite Imans to their mosques to call for more attacks on the West, but they have to put up with graffiti telling them to be less hateful. Some of them are even called names, or insulted for not respecting Canadian society!

By this point the Right will probably have falsely convinced the world that gun control and free speech are not the cause of the attacks, using facts that are opposed to the narrative (also know as “Hate Facts”). Continue to push for more uncontrolled immigration from Islamic countries and open boarders altogether. Start wearing a Hijab. Don’t insult the Prophet (Peace be upon Him)! Sharia law is the only non-racist direction for Canada so continue pushing for it to happen.

Pretty soon there will be no more violence and no more hatred in the Canadian Caliphate.  Allah Akbar!