December 7, 1970. A day Justin Trudeau has thought about his entire life.

“The Germans call it Warschauer Kniefall,” he tells me staring out the window of his downtown Ottawa office at the people he now leads. “It’s the Holy Grail of national apologies and the official apology of the German people for the holocaust. It may have been the greatest national apology of all time.”

Trudeau’s eyes tears up a little bit as he speaks. Over the past year as the Parliamentary correspondent for MetaCanada, I’ve gotten to know Justin at a level most people never have a chance to. He’s an apolojunkie. It’s a term I was not familiar with until I met Justin. It refers to a person whose greatest goal in life is to apologize for things that happened. The further away from them being at fault, the better it is.

“I remember my father telling me about that apology when I was only six, during a vacation to Cuba. It really stuck with me. When I got home, I went around school watching for people to bump into in the hallway just so I could apologize to them. It was like a drug, like a marijuana only more addictive.”

Justin Trudeau walking away with a smug, douchbaggy smile on his face after apologizing to a Parliamentary security officer. The officer, who happens to be black, had no idea what the apology was for.

Justin Trudeau walking away with a smug, douchbaggy smile on his face after apologizing to a Parliamentary security officer. The officer, who happens to be black, had no idea what the apology was for.

National apologies are a big part of being a globalist leader these days. To make amends for something that happened to people long in the past, for something you didn’t do and to come off sincerely about it is a skill few people have. Dave Cameron of the UK’s 2010 apology for Bloody Sunday comes to mind, so does FW de Klerk’s 1996 apology for Apartheid in South Africa. Stephen Harper’s 2008 apology for Aboriginal residential school’s in Canada, however, really got under Justin’s skin.

“It wasn’t even a good apology, he didn’t tear up or anything,” Justin tells me, the anger still raw. The message is loud and clear: this should have been his apology. This was the apology Justin Trudeau was waiting to give ever since he learned that Native Americans existed in junior high school, but of course his political arch nemesis, the Right Honourable Stephen Harper, stole this dream from him.

No stranger to apologies, Justin Trudeau has already made a minor apology for the Komagata Maru incident, where Canada turned away a boatfull of Indians seeking refuge in Canada in 1914. While devastating to the relatively few people, most historians agree this was a minor apology. Trudeau has also apologized for the RCMP’s spying on journalists in an attempt to keep the country safe, apologized to the LGBT community that 1970 was not 2015, and apologized for his own behaviour, elbowing a defenceless woman in Parliament.

But still, none of these apologies are for the holocaust.

I ask him if he gets upset that Canada did not have the same history of violence and genocide that the Germans, South Africans, and Japanese had. He continues to stare out the window, ignoring both his email alerts and the Backstreet Boys ringtone going off in his pocket. Finally I ask the question I know he wants to hear.

“Justin, would you rather the holocaust have happened in Canada?”

His eyes light up like a rich child on Christmas morning receiving a Hatchables gift that cost his parents thousands. He turns to me and grabs my hand in a way I’ve only felt once before, after a party at his house when myself, Justin, and his wife were the only revelers remaining.

“That would be like Christmas for me,” he says like a child barely saying either ‘um’ or ‘ah’. “If only Canada would have had a real genocide. Not just sticking some Indian kids in a school with pedophiles teaching them. Yeah, that kind of sucked. But, I can only muster so much of an apology for that. The kids who were abused got paid out, but other kids who went to residential schools where there was no abuse got the same goddamn apology. It’s just not the same as Warschauer Kniefall. I wish that…. I wish that…”

I didn’t want Justin to finish, but I knew deep down in his heart he truly meant it. The kid doesn’t have a prejudice bone in his body, but sometimes the desire to give the greatest apology in the history of mankind comes with unintended consequences. To Justin, giving an apology that will cement his legacy in world history books until the end of time is more important than the actual history of Canada. Than what is best for the Canadian people.

“I wish that we would have holocausted the aboriginals before I took power.”


Licence to Shill needed to take a nice long shower after this interview, facilitated by the lovely Sophie Trudeau.