Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, old stock Canadians and refugees of all ages, welcome to the FIFTH ANNUAL METACANADA NECKBEARD AWARDS!! Nobody thought we’d be around this long, but that’s what they said about the Reform Party of Canada and look at us now!
We have a fantastic show tonight friends, such a fabulous show. It’s going to be Yuuuge! I’m LicencetoShill, your host for tonight’s activities but we sure as heck have a star-studded line-up tonight, with celebrities and political figures including Donald Trump, Justin Trudeau, Lauren Southern, Hillary Clinton and many more. Alan Thick was supposed to present an award tonight but he has been very rudely ignoring my calls lately.
Folks, metacanada is the best subreddit on the internet, and Metacanada.ca is fast becoming the greatest website on the internet according to my latest askjeeves search. I want to thank everyone for voting, for nominating, and for making metacanada “one of the best subreddits out there.”
Our first award of the night is for Most Butthurt Subreddit of the Year.
There were many qualified nominees for this prestiguous award; /r/Canada, /r/metametacanada, /r/Canadapolitics but none were as overtly, and viciously butt hurt as our award winner. Here to present the award, via tweet, is none other than President Elect Donald J. Trump:
Congratulations /r/againsthatesubreddits, I hope one day you’ll see the irony in your name. And thank you Donald, we here at Metacanada can’t wait to see you Make America Great Again!
Just a quick announcement, folks. Would the owner of a large cargo truck with the “Proud to be a Refugee” bumper sticker please move your vehicle. You are illegal parked on a crowd of people. Thank you.
Next we have the illustrious Aids Skrillex Award for White Male of the Year. This is the first time this fabulous award will be handed out and there is some stiff competition for it this year: Tom Brady, Donald Trump, Stephen Harper, the list goes on. It’s an award designed to reward a special white male each year, for all the things they’ve done to benefit society.
And the winner is……
Speaking of Carl the Cuck, let’s have a round of applause for the Official Metacanada Word of the Year: Cuck! Technically it means a man who likes to watch his wife get fucked by another dude, particularly a minority, but Cuckservative or Cuck can be used to refer to a person who likes watching his country get fucked over, and then feels smug about it. There’s no better word to describe the modern day males who take pride in their weakness.
For our next prestigious award, The LoneConservative Award for best Original Image, first I’m going to ask Hillary Clinton to present the runners up. Losing both to Barack Obama, and then Donald Trump, Mrs. Clinton sure knows a thing about losing.
Hillary: Thanks, you deplorable racist <COUGH COUGH COUGH>. Well, as I’m sure you’re aware I’m a woman (pause for applause) and as a woman (applause) I was obviously the most qualified person to be president (pause for coughing fit followed by extremely fake smiling). But I lost. And so did these terrible runner ups.
First runner up is this dank history of Attawatta-does-it-even-matter, by Metacanada founder /u/barosa. Except we came here to laugh, not to cry so YOU LOSE.
Next runner up is this bag of shit by /u/AngryMulbear. I don’t even know who these people are. They didn’t give any money to my foundation.
But the winner is that Ni… hey where are you taking me?
LicencetoShill: Thanks for showing up Hillary, but we here at metacanada believe in draining the swamp, so bye-bye.
The winner is by the man who took dank OC on metacanada by storm, /u/ham_sandwich77 with this Mauril Pepe masterpiece, commemorating a historic time in Canadian history where our parliament didn’t have the balls to stop a dying man from ruining our anthem. Seriously. Hammy could have taken all the awards this year with his artwork but we’re too petty to give him that many honours in one night!
Folks this next award is going to be huge, and I’d like to call to the stage Canada’s first female Prime Minister, JUSTIN TRUDEAU.
Justin: Uhh, uhh, thanks Shill, and bienvenue tout le monde ce soir. Tonight I’m proud to ahh present the award for Neckbeard Quote of the Year. First let’s start with the runner ups. Kids who join ISIS are just “boys will be boys”, hopefully they don’t get killed by their enemies, I don’t want ISIS to win. Next we have ‘Justin Trudeau will be Prime Minister for 25 years’… hey this doesn’t seem too bad.
LicencetoShill: (whispers) Just read the lines you puppet!
Justin: Sorry! Don’t tell Soros! Anyways, honourable mention goes to one of my Cabinet Ministers for this straight up lie, and this fedora tipping neckbeard for saying the Charter is the only God, whatever that means. But the winner is…
/u/Tenacious_Ceeee for saying that the richest black man would trade places with the poorest white person because of racism! Oh Ceeee you goof, the poorest white people don’t get to do the things the richest black people do to my wife!
LicencetoShill: You’ll understand if I don’t shake your hand Justin, you sicken me to my bones. Now, let’s have a round of applause for JUSTIN TRUDEAU and TENANCIOUS CEEEE!
A quick shout-out now to the BEST NEW SUBREDDIT OF THE YEAR: /r/The_Donald! It’s like an American version of Metacanada with a goal and it is friggin’ awesome. You know what they say, everything is bigger in TexasNorth!
Folks, we’re getting to our final awards and I have another house keeping announcement to make. The washrooms are located in the back right of the auditorium, and if you’re having a sexual emergency please DO NOT rape the ten year old towel boy. Didn’t think I would have to announce that, but Trudeau just let 25,000 unvetted refugees into the ceremony, so… just playing it safe here.
Speaking of rape, it’s time for our first annual RELIGION OF PEACE REFUGEE OF THE YEAR AWARD. Here to present the award is German Chancellor Angela Merkle, best known for letting a starving grizzly bear into a daycare, and then accusing the kids of being bearophobic as they were begging her to get rid of the bear that was killing them.
Merkle: That never happened. I actually let in 800,000 refugees into Germany… oh. I get it. Anyways, our runner ups are: Jonathan Nicola, the 29 year old refugee who pretended to be a high school student so he could play basketball and sleep with high school girls. The other runner up is this British refugee family, who’s house burnt down as the family was vacationing in the country they fled because of the violence. But the winner is: This mentally ill individual who spread the message of Peace of Islam through the streets of Nice, France in his Mohammawagon.
Congratulations to the Islamic State for realizing that it’s even easier to invade Europe without guns, if you pretend to be a refugee!
Only old stock metacanadians will get this this next host. To present the BREITBART FAKE NEWS ARTICLE OF THE YEAR for best metacanada.ca article, here is 2014 Neckbeard of the Year winner /u/gruntbuggle.
Gruntbuggle: Thanks LvL, you dirty meatacanadian. I’m not sure why I’m here, I’ve moved on to bigger and better things since my parents kicked me out. But alas I guess I shall give your stupid award out. Runner up goes to this tasteless and redundant Metacanada Party of Canada Platform. Typical CONservative member of the C.R.A.P. Party. And the winner is this poorly written article making light of mental illness attacks.
LicencevLease: Thanks Grunty, and congratulations /u/LicencetoStump on your barely readable journalism skills.
For our final two awards I’d like to invite our White Male of the Year award winner LAUREN SOUTHERN up to present the prestigious NECKBEARD OF THE YEAR and METACANADIAN OF THE YEAR. Not to toot my own horn but all the polls have me ahead by double digits.
Congratulations to both /u/Ham_Sandwich77 and /u/ScotiaTide, and thank you Lauren and Faith for presenting these awards. Both are required following for all metacanadians, so check out Lauren’s Twitter, Faith’s Twitter, Lauren and Faith on the Rebel, and buy Lauren’s book. You won’t regret it.
I want to thank the metacanada mods, the neckbeards, and especially everyone for coming here, whether you contribute dank OC, find funny comment on r/Canada or Canadapolitics, or even if you just upvote you are the people who Make Metacanada Great Again!
Licence to Shill seems like a good person but apparently he once said the N-word while in high school, singing along to a popular rap video.
Editor’s note: In response to /u/LicencedtoStump’s hard work on these awards and over the years in /r/metacanada, he will be awarded a mod position on the metacanada team. Keep up the good work, bud!