The NDP is a joke. Their leadership race is the equivalent of a priest, a rabbi, and a Newfie trying to be the first person to walk into the bar.

Nobody really cares who wins, the party will be a distant third choice in the next election regardless, but as opposed to the Conservative leadership race the field has ZERO recognizable names. The rules to run for leadership are almost as stupid as the candidates themselves and the party cares more about being progressive than being electable.

The LEAP Manifesto

Last year the NDP officially threw away their chances of ever governing Canada by adopting the
Communist
 LEAP Manifesto. In addition to the obvious stupidity of naming a platform a “Manifesto,” the great LEAP forward ruins the party’s chances by claiming a future NDP government (consisting entirely of Unicorns and College Students) will force Canada to destroy it’s economy by doing magical things like:

  • Eliminating the oil industry in 20 years;
  • Having all new jobs be government controlled;
  • Getting rid of the military; and
  • Imposing dozens of new taxes on everybody, including a tax which will cause anyone earning over $200,000/year to leave the country.

They may as well of included a policy where they’d enact Sharia law or eliminate puppies from the country. How could it hurt their chances any more?

The Leadership Rules

If the NDP was worried that, despite their best efforts, qualified candidates may run for leadership, the rules they have in place will eliminate any chance of that. A candidate needs 500 signatures from members in “good standing” (Editor’s Note: ableist bullsh*t), and 50 signatures must be from each of the five regions of Canada. While some of the rules are fairly standard, two particular rules raises eyebrows for sane Canadians:

 c) At least fifty percent (50%) of the required nomination signatures must be from female-identified members.

d) At least a hundred (100) signatures must be from other equity-seeking groups. (Visible Minorities, Aboriginals, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Persons Living with disabilities)

What the hell does a “female identifying” member mean? Will they go back and ask all the people who signed the nomination what gender they identify as? Isn’t gender a fluid concept in never-never land? What if by the time of the election the “female-identifying” members now identify as male, attack-helicopter, or purple-people eater?

In addition to making sure that at least half of your signatures are from females (Editor’s Note: how dare the NDP assumes their genders???) at least 100 signatures have to be from not white people, unless those white people are gay or living with a physical or specific mental illness (transgenderism). But while getting those signatures, the potential candidate will have to make sure they don’t cross the threshold into having 50% + 1 “male-identifying” nominations or else their nomination will be revoked. And then they can never become Prime Minister. Of course, that wouldn’t change even if they win the nomination.

The Candidates

Who the hell would run for the NDP leadership with these rules and manifestos in place you may ask? Well the answer is: Nobody important. While potential leaders have until the October convention to throw their hat into the ring, anyone that has a chance of winning the next election has already put their names forward in the Conservative leadership race.

Peter Julian was the first idiot to enter the race. Mostly known for having two first names instead of a first and a last name like normal people, Julian has done literally nothing with his life (although this is not a bar to political ambition in Canada). He once attempted to stop a Wal-Mart from opening in Vancouver. Yeah.

“Is Charlie Angus going to have to choke a bitch?”

Charlie Angus has the most name recognition in the race. Hundreds of Canadians will hear that name and think “oh that kind of sounds familiar, does he play for the Flames?” Calling himself a “community activist” (like every. single. other member of the NDP) from Ontario, Angus also has two first names. He’s either read or written five books and works for a Catholic union. Canada would be better off run by the next person to walk into Emerson, Manitoba than Charlie Angus.

Guy Caron was the first candidate to run with a last name. That’s all you need to know about him.

While not quite a candidate yet, if Jagmeet Singh decides to run he’s bound to get a lot of support as NDP voters get the biggest feeling of euphoria from supporting anyone who isn’t white. Singh is an Ontario provincial politician who’s done literally the exact same nothingness as every other NDP candidate. But he’s not white, so he’s the early favorite.

“Sexism is my best chance of winning!”

Niki Ashton is the first female candidate to run for leadership. First elected to Parliament in 2008 when she was only 25 years old, Ashton doesn’t have to explain why she’s accomplished nothing with her life. She also struggles to explain why she’s paid as much as a male MP despite Canada’s patriarchal society. As long as a transgendered, disabled, aboriginal woman doesn’t run Ashton is the most likely candidate to win since the last leader was a man. Seriously.

Sid Ryan is another union leader from Ontario with two first names running for leader. At this point, I think the NDP is just screwing with me.

 

A visual representation of the current NDP leadership race