Guest Editorial by Left-wing Commentator Licence to Virtue Signal.
I know you hate science, CONservative. I know that “If it’s not in your Bible” then it must not be real. Well guess what, I F**king Love Science so much I repost articles from them on Facebook without even reading the article. I like science, in a non-hateful way. The only times you like science is when you transphobically say that “having a penis makes you a man”. Well I have a penis, and do I sound like a man to you??? Checkmate atheist.
However, this article isn’t about me feeling morally superior to you. My “I love refugees” bumper sticker does that enough for me. This article is about GLOBAL WARMING which is REAL, is HAPPENING NOW, and is white MAN MADE. As someone who watches John Oliver, David Suzuki, and Samantha Bee I am perfectly qualified to speak on this topic.
First off, 97% of all climate change scientists agree that climate change is real! SO if there’s only 97 scientists that means ALL of them think it’s real. And you think you can disagree with these scientists? They make their living off of climate change, and if climate change was fake they wouldn’t have jobs AT ALL so I think these unmuzzled scientists can be trusted to be honest and objective about global warming! You don’t see bankers lying about the economy!
How Global Warming Works
Ok so wrap your pea-brain around this stegosaurus. The world is getting warmer. Canada, known for its snow, loses the vast majority of it every spring!! Some Canadian cities, like Toronto, Vancouver and Sackville, Nova Scotia, can go for months without any snowfall. In Canada! Not only that but the ocean levels are rising. In places where there was a beach just 100 years ago, now there’s a slightly smaller beach! Are you scared yet, because I am! Furthermore I read a website that said scientists agree that global warming is happening, how is that not enough proof for you??
So how does Global Warming work? We use carbon everyday, some forms are harmless, like the carbon in your pencil or when Leonardo DiCaprio flies his private jet. But when you burn carbon to heat your house or heat your car, a lot of the heat escapes and goes into the atmosphere. That’s right, you are heating up the planet when you’re heating up your lawnmower. It’s why Canada, Russia, and America are the biggest producers of carbon and why heavily populated but warm climate countries like Brazil and India, produce almost no global warming. Pretty scary stuff, isn’t it? Well not as scary as a minority walking down the street, eh, you right-winger?
Now as that heat escapes upward it heats up the planet. Heat, also called energy, comes in three different forms all of which produce Greenhouse Gases. Carbon (like oil and coal), wind or water, and solar.
Solar doesn’t create any heat because the sun’s already heating the planet. The heat goes into the solar panels, gets converted into electricity or gasoline, and when it’s used it’s just the same heat returning to the planet. E.g. carbon neutral. Note: Nuclear is just a man-made version of solar.
Wind and hydro are similar to solar, the energy is already there so when you burn gasoline made of wind power or you pipeline hydrofluids to power a manufacturing plant there’s no new carbon! That carbon was already blowing in the air or swimming in the lakes before so it just gets released harmlessly into the air, or pumped harmlessly into a lake.
Coal and oil are the real killers. They lie deep underground in pockets known as shale and get brought to the surface through environmentally destructive means such as hydro-fracking, where the oil companies literally create earthquakes to push the oil up to the ground water where it can then be pumped using conventional methods. The heat that these fuels have should be trapped in the center of the planet forever but by bringing them to the surface we release new carbon greenhouse gases that never existed on the surface before. These are the things that are melting the icebergs, are popping a hole in the ozone layer and are causing polar bears to have to search farther and farther for penguins, their only natural prey.
What Can we do? A Carbon Tax!
Thankfully we have a solution, and like anything good, that solution must be imposed on the people through the government. And even better, it’s the most conservative solution for global warming possible (and I should know, I’ve voted NDP my entire life): it’s a carbon tax!
How a carbon tax works is it turns a portion of the carbon we generate every year into government revenue. So say Canada produces 100 billion Carbotons of emissions each year and we have a 5% carbon tax: that equals 5 billion carbotons of tax dollars for each and every Canadian. And it gets better, that tax will increase every year until we get to a 100% Carbon Tax and we won’t release a single drop of carbon into the air again. It will all be government revenue.
So Conservatives, I’ve made my case, but more importantly 97% of all scientists believe climate change is real. I know you hate science the same way you hate brown people but this is literally LIFE or DEATH. If you don’t stop smoking carbon and exhaling it into the atmosphere we’re all going to die! Be like me, switch to vaping green energy and be beloved by everyone.
Licence to Shill didn’t proofread this article. Is everything OK?