Metacanada.ca has just received an exclusive leak from within the negotiations between the Trudeau government and Omar Khadr’s legal team. You’ll be as giddy as a jihadi after Ramadan when you read these explosive insider secrets:

10. Justin Trudeau refused to make the deal if he couldn’t apologize

Apparently neither the government lawyers, nor Omar Khadr wanted the apology. The focus on all sides was on coming to a dollar figure that everyone could live with. Justin Trudeau personally intervened to say that he was either going to be able to make an apology, or there would be no deal.

9. Senator Romeo Dallaire was kicked out of the negotiations after he refused to stop calling 30 year old Omar Khadr a child

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10.5 million reasons to smile

Romeo Dallaire started off on a conciliatory note by apologizing for what Canada allowed to happen to a “child soldier”, however he refused to stop calling fully grown adult Omar Khadr a child soldier, eventually dropping “soldier” entirely. It was unanimously decided that he had to go after he spent a minute in silence looking into Khadr’s eyes saying “You know, I once shook hands with the Devil.”

8. The Settlement offer was raised by $500,000 in exchange for a taking a group selfie at the end

As negotiations were wrapping up Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tried to get everyone together to take a post-negotiations selfie, but was rebuffed by Denis Edney who called it “stupid”. Although this was after a final figure was reached, Trudeau was overheard to ask “How much is it going to take to make this happen?”

7. The Trudeau Government opened negotiations by remarking that they weren’t dealing with their own money so they didn’t care

Ralph Goodale began by making this remark about taxpayer money with a wink and a smile, sipping on a $16 orange juice. This casual remark apparently angered Department of Justice negotiators who complained that the statement weakened their bargaining position.

6. The settlement included a provision that the Canadian Government had to donate $241 million to the Clinton Foundation

And even stranger, nobody seems to know how the provision was put into place, but they all agreed to it anyways.

 

 

5. Omar Khadr wanted $10.5 million instead of $10 million so he could make more than fellow Edmontonian Connor McDavid

When it was pointed out to Omar that Connor McDavid was actually making $10 million a year for ten years, Khadr laughed and said “Well I know how I made the first ten million” while pretending to make an overhand throwing motion with his arm.

4. Negotiations opened with the singing of the Canadian national anthem and the ISIS theme song

Lawyers for Omar Khadr were furious with this choice as they demanded the separate and unique Al Qeada theme song, which is an Arabic translation of Queen’s We Will Rock You. Omar Khadr didn’t seem to mind and actually participated in the gender neutral version of “O’ Canada”.

Justin Trudeau told his negotiation team that if he came “dressed as a terrorist” it might put Khadr at ease. They thought it was easier to let him do it than to fight him on this.

3. Khadr’s lawyers capitalized on Trudeau’s misunderstanding of the Supreme Court of Canada decision

During the entire negotiation Justin Trudeau was apparently under the mistaken impression that Canada’s highest Court decided that Khadr was entitled to $30-$40 million, and thought he was a negotiations genius for settling on $10.5 million. The cause of this confusion appears to be Trudeau mistaking a news report about MLB slugger Bryce Harper with an official Court decision.

 

2. Justin Trudeau was apparently furious that the Khadr settlement agreement would take media attention away from his socks

Sock diplomacy or national embarrassment?

After explaining to everyone involved in the negotiations what year it was Justin Trudeau decided that any news of the settlement must be kept secret until at least the end of the G20 meetings, where he had intended to show off a number of unique socks, with the last pair revealing the details of the $10.5 million dollar settlement on the backdrop of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

 

1. Both sides decided that the one thing they could all agree on was that they all hated war widows

From Justin Trudeau, to Omar Khadr, to Khadrs lawyers and the Department of Justice, all agreed that the one thing that tied them together and they could all agree on was their complete disdain for war widows. They were also in unanimous agreement that creating war widows were fine, as nobody involved in the discussions served in any non-terrorism related military in their lives, and so assumed that soldiers wanted to die when they went to war. Once this common ground was found the negotiations became much more collegial and a deal was struck.

Both sides confirmed that the war widow and wounded soldier “got what they deserved.” At the last minute, on the request of Defense Minister Harjit Sajjan the sides agreed that the apology shouldn’t include the phrase “Canada would like to congratulate Omar Khadr on his great throw, taking two Americans out of their imperialistic war.” At the time Trudeau was apparently unaware Canada ever had soldiers in Afghanistan which caused him to remark “Wait, then why the hell are we giving this guy any money? Isn’t he a traitor?”