Author: MC News Desk

Paper Cuts: Legacy Legislation and the End of the Canadian Native [Tragedy]

LPC Considering Revamping and Pushing-through Controversial “White Paper” The Liberal Party of Canada intends to end the disturbing trend of missing and murdered Aboriginal women by appealing to the so-called genius of Pierre Trudeau. Trudeau sought to abolish the Indian Act in 1969 with the White Paper, thereby dissolving the Department of Indian Affairs, eradicating reserves, and eliminating the “Indian” status in favour of an “egalitarian” position agreed upon by non-natives in Ottawa. The current Liberals believe that the best way to assist the Native Women’s Association of Canada in their mandate to research, educate, and reform (policy), as...

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 Wynne’s ready for a mud fight, but Hudak’s brought bricks Kathleen Wynne’s office is abuzz with shredding machines and outcry after PC-Leader Tim Hudak’s scandalous insinuation of her criminal guilt. She says she didn’t do it. He’s sure she did. Hudak’s accusations have driven the Ontario Liberals into high gear, especially with the punch line he delivered on Friday: “For once, there’s no place you can run.” On Saturday, the OLP sat for a five-hour strategy session where they discussed “precisely which expendable minister will take the fall for the team” and whether the Kinkos at Spadina clears its...

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What I Learned this Year: Former Albertan Premier’s Flight Log

Alison Redford reflects on her time as premier Dear me Diary, I thought I’d catch you up on what’s been going on. It’s been a rough couple of months, and this time,  I’m not just talking about the turbulence on one of those godawful CRJ Jazz numbers. While it hasn’t been easy dealing with Alberta’s penny-pinching moaners, I’ve managed to make it out of the maelstrom in one piece. Having learned a great deal over the course of my passion,  Glen said I should probably write down some of what I learned before I go into another one of...

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Olivia Chow promises to “fill that income gap so good”

“Toronto roads are for people, not cars and businesses!”   TORONTO—Olivia Chow, former city councillor, NDP member, and life partner of former NDP-icon Jack Layton, entered the Toronto mayoral race in a big way earlier this month, stating “it’s time for change for Toronto.” Chow has claimed divine right of bicyclists and declared the downtown bourgeoisie exempt from the heavy taxation she’ll levy on the middle class, so those who Tommy Douglas would refer to as “subnormal” in his 1933 Masters thesis* can continue to reap the fruits of other people’s labour. * Tommy Douglas’ Normality Spectrum. Ontario NDP...

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Mike Bullard: “The CBC Chose the Wrong What’s-His-Name”

Great Canadian comic overlooked in favour of a gangly, early-40’s who’s-it TORONTO—On Friday, Rogers Communications committed to taking a shit in your heart, crucifying you to your commemorative hockey stick, and then leaving your body for the carrion flies. Rogers Media president Keith Pelley publicly announced that, moving forward, Canada’s beloved Don MacLean will roll as dismally-quiet-third-wheel on Hockey Night in Canada (HNIC). Unsure as to the rationale for this face-lift, the press gallery offered up a volley of gasps and yelps. Pelley—laughing ominously and blinking repeatedly—reassured the crowd that MacLean is healthy and happy, just unwanted. Coach’s Corner will now be hitched to George Stroumboulopoulos’ wagon. George etc. is stepping-in as the host of the program. Had they asked, Cerebus would have told the execs, “three heads isn’t great, especially when one of them is full of fanciful ideas about extra-hockey culture and the arts.” Experts predict that George will turn the focus of the show away from the game and the score, and hone it in on how the game and the score make us all feel. Legal cuckold in the HNIC shuffle, CBC President Hubie Lacroix, wept uncontrollably throughout his co-conspirator’s deliverance. Although not miked, Lacroix was heard gnashing his teeth and murmuring, “Jesus Christ, you murderers!” over and over. Last November, Rogers enveloped the CBC’s Hockey Night in Canada, leaving the show’s former operators and overseers with some...

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