Author: MC News Desk

Keswick Man Decries Glacial-Erotic Daytime Programming

Russell Farraday and neighbours, shocked to find children watching curling, are calling for greater awareness   /RollieTheWizard KESWICK, ONTARIO—Since finding his children consuming glacial-erotic daytime programming, receiving-dock clerk and Keswick native, Russell Faraday, is calling on the CRTC to review some of their content. “I went to the store to get a lottery ticket and the newest copy of Score…When I got back the kids were watching something in the living room, real devious-like,” Farraday told MetaCanada.  “They’re always watching something, though, on the TV or on their phones or on the confounded computer; I didn’t really pay much attention...

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Harper Vows to Father dynastic competitor

Canadian Prime Minister and Wife spawning “Constantine” to counter Liberal Godsend, Hadrian Trudeau OTTAWA—On February 28th, future Canadian prime minister Hadrian Trudeau was born, providing the Liberal leader with one more item to juggle poorly. Not yet one-week old, Hadrian—named after the infamous, Jew-killing, child-loving Roman emperor—has already been deemed “prime-ministerial stock” by the CBC’s chief political analysts. (And for good reason too: unlike his forefathers, the shit and spittle he’s piping out is actually sincere.)  Twitter, too, has been alive over the past few days with speculation and adoration regarding the newest addition to the Trudeau blood line....

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Alberta Shrouded in a Second Darkness

Canadian production company set to adapt politicized version of the Lord of the Rings for the silver screen /Joetravers Canadian policy-wonks and fans of the Lord of the Rings trilogy have reason to celebrate. Pulp Media, an independent film studio based in Toronto, has green-lit a new twist on J.R.R. Tolkein’s much-loved fantasy series. Director Eldrid Batista told MetaCanada that this Lord of the Rings adaptation will be saturated with Canadian political themes, and will be entirely shot on-location in Alberta using a “totally retro” Super 8 camera. “It’s less about the ring, and more about the oil sands,”...

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Montreal Poised to Become North America’s First City-State

Coderre envisages Montreal as a paradise not unlike the city-states of Europe /LeConnaisseur MONTREAL—For the upcoming elections, the Parti Québécois (PQ) is well-positioned to pick up the seats it needs for a majority government. This will provide them with the kind of clout necessary to effect radical change. After having riled-up and hypnotized the population with the controversial Charter of Values, the PQ is aiming to tackle an even greater-sensationalized issue: subordination to, and participation in, a constitutional monarchy. Premier Pauline Marois believes that the Quebecois are ready and mature enough for such change. Newly-elected Montreal mayor Denis Coderre,...

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Vinyl Cafe on Ice

Last known “Vinyl Cafe” fan found dead in BC cabin /Pocahontas_Spaceman BRITISH COLUMBIA—The last-recorded, intentional listener of the CBC’s prolific variety-show, Vinyl Cafe, was reported dead this past Sunday. The cause of death, according to Smithers police constable Morgan Frieman, was a mix of decrepitude and “horrible, horrible hypothermia…the very worst.” Two hikers found Dirk Hanson, a 114-year-old Saskatchewan man, frozen to death in his family’s cabin about twenty kilometers northeast of Smithers, BC. They were alerted to possible trouble within by a ghostly wailing penetrating the timber, which was later explained away as being the result of wind and...

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