Author: MC News Desk

Quebec’s [In]Dependence: A Canada Divided

Marois Appeals to Middle-Eastern Precedent for Success of Two-State Solution ST-ANGÈLE-DE-LAVAL—Citizens of a sovereign Quebec would have their own national identity and their own passports, said Parti Quebecois leader Pauline Marois on Wednesday, but there would be no Anglo-ghettos, border patrols, checkpoints, or partitions separating them from the rest of Canada. “It’ll be like the winning solution Israel and Palestine have settled on, just less rock-throwing, aerial assaults, and mayhem.” I’m no historian, but I know for a fact that no one batted an eye when Israel became independent from Palestine [again] in 1948. We shouldn’t have a problem…Essentially,...

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MetaCanada Exclusive: Details of Liberal-Proposed Aid Package to Ukraine Leaked.

Package to include weaponized, ‘Traditionally-Painted Easter Eggs’ as well as Borscht and Pierogis /Mongolian_Colonizer OTTAWA—MetaCanada has recently received a leaked copy of a secret document outlining an aid package proposed by the Liberal Party of Canada, intended for the Ukrainian protesters and soldiers currently resisting the Russian imperial sweep. While the authorship of the document (code-named: “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Borscht”) has yet to be verified, there is a great deal of evidence insinuating that Liberal party Leader Justin Trudeau had a principle role in its design. After all, it was signed “J. Trudeau,” and...

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Canadians Still Reluctant to Get Wet

New Government Study Reveals 1 in 5 Canadians Still Harbors Feelings of Hydrophobia OTTAWA—A joint survey conducted by the Tourism Commission and Statistics Canada found that hydrophobia is as prevalent as ever in our cities. The survey, which involved both a questionnaire and an interview, concluded that 1 in 5 Canadians is hydrophobic, notwithstanding the “7-8 months of deleterious precipitation they’ve inevitably endured for as long as they can remember.” This statistic also suggests that, as a society, we are unresolved about the suitability of and place for aquatic interaction in public life. Hydrophobics are very difficult to spot....

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Keswick Man Decries Glacial-Erotic Daytime Programming

Russell Farraday and neighbours, shocked to find children watching curling, are calling for greater awareness   /RollieTheWizard KESWICK, ONTARIO—Since finding his children consuming glacial-erotic daytime programming, receiving-dock clerk and Keswick native, Russell Faraday, is calling on the CRTC to review some of their content. “I went to the store to get a lottery ticket and the newest copy of Score…When I got back the kids were watching something in the living room, real devious-like,” Farraday told MetaCanada.  “They’re always watching something, though, on the TV or on their phones or on the confounded computer; I didn’t really pay much attention...

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Harper Vows to Father dynastic competitor

Canadian Prime Minister and Wife spawning “Constantine” to counter Liberal Godsend, Hadrian Trudeau OTTAWA—On February 28th, future Canadian prime minister Hadrian Trudeau was born, providing the Liberal leader with one more item to juggle poorly. Not yet one-week old, Hadrian—named after the infamous, Jew-killing, child-loving Roman emperor—has already been deemed “prime-ministerial stock” by the CBC’s chief political analysts. (And for good reason too: unlike his forefathers, the shit and spittle he’s piping out is actually sincere.)  Twitter, too, has been alive over the past few days with speculation and adoration regarding the newest addition to the Trudeau blood line....

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